[Everything from her expression to her whole body hardens at what he holds back, her heart nearly stopping in her throat when she immediately knows what he had been about to ask only because that question has been sitting on the tip of her tongue all along, too.
Why didn't she go with him? Why didn't she follow him? Well, why didn't he stay with her? Why didn't he just pick her up and take her away? Why, why, why did either of them do or not do anything back then? She could throw it right back in his face, and she might have if he hadn't stopped himself. She might have if she had any energy left in that particular fight to do so.
Only she doesn't.
Try all she wants, she cannot seem to stoke that flame to get it to burn hot enough to want to fight about it, even if that fury could burn away these other feelings that she has a harder time coming to terms with and navigating. After spending more than half a decade hating him because she loved him, it's much harder to simply just love him now...
She really should have shoved it in his face and left because that simple touch of his finger along her arm or that melancholy in his smile could be the very things that unravel her completely, break down her already weakened defenses, and the last thing that she wants right now is to regret any of it. Regret any more of what she has done when it comes to him...]
Cidolfus...
[His name falls out of her again like it's a breath of air all on its own that she needs to take to steady her mind and her heart.
Should she touch him? Or rather, can she touch him? Do either of them deserve to? Fucking stupid, after what they just came out of, but here they are again.
Her fingers graze ever so tentatively over the back of his hand, wanting so badly to thread their fingers together in that clumsy, awkward way that she does, but the look he wears gives her pause.]
It is not because I have no other options.
[She keeps her eyes focused on the calm ripples around them, wishing that she could be them right now.]
But because I do not want any other. Not anymore. I never did. And when you left, I should have— [She pauses, and it's her turn to bite down on her own tongue.] I was... afraid.
[That final word comes out strained, taking up every effort to say it.
Afraid because she thought she'd lost him forever. And so, she turned to her demons instead, embraced them, because it was easier than longing for something she thought she could no longer have.]
no subject
Why didn't she go with him? Why didn't she follow him? Well, why didn't he stay with her? Why didn't he just pick her up and take her away? Why, why, why did either of them do or not do anything back then? She could throw it right back in his face, and she might have if he hadn't stopped himself. She might have if she had any energy left in that particular fight to do so.
Only she doesn't.
Try all she wants, she cannot seem to stoke that flame to get it to burn hot enough to want to fight about it, even if that fury could burn away these other feelings that she has a harder time coming to terms with and navigating. After spending more than half a decade hating him because she loved him, it's much harder to simply just love him now...
She really should have shoved it in his face and left because that simple touch of his finger along her arm or that melancholy in his smile could be the very things that unravel her completely, break down her already weakened defenses, and the last thing that she wants right now is to regret any of it. Regret any more of what she has done when it comes to him...]
Cidolfus...
[His name falls out of her again like it's a breath of air all on its own that she needs to take to steady her mind and her heart.
Should she touch him? Or rather, can she touch him? Do either of them deserve to? Fucking stupid, after what they just came out of, but here they are again.
Her fingers graze ever so tentatively over the back of his hand, wanting so badly to thread their fingers together in that clumsy, awkward way that she does, but the look he wears gives her pause.]
It is not because I have no other options.
[She keeps her eyes focused on the calm ripples around them, wishing that she could be them right now.]
But because I do not want any other. Not anymore. I never did. And when you left, I should have— [She pauses, and it's her turn to bite down on her own tongue.] I was... afraid.
[That final word comes out strained, taking up every effort to say it.
Afraid because she thought she'd lost him forever. And so, she turned to her demons instead, embraced them, because it was easier than longing for something she thought she could no longer have.]