[ As if his mediations are ever "fruitful." If he didn't have to take a rest, he'd probably just avoid it altogether, but he does and he is tired and his arms hurt so much from all that digging. So after convincing himself it will be okay, he at last settles in to meditate, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing.
The nightmares come, they always do. An irony, when he's not even sleeping, but he has so few good memories to focus on compared to the time he was with Cazador. It's no surprise, just as its no surprise that his nightmares this time are focused on his death--the Gur hunters; Cazador in the alley "sparing" his life; and then waking up.
Not surprising, after the night they'd had.
No, Astarion insists as if insisting might change the nightmare itself. We've already done this once. There's no need to do it again.
The nightmare does not change, he cannot will it to be different. Instead, the only response is Cazador's cold, cruel laughter taunting him.
I was doing my civic duty, you know, putting all those bodies back. I don't deserve this. Not that his nightmare seems to care about that, either. Fairness never played into anything. It's part of why he never cares about the right thing. What had the right thing ever done for him? All that grave digging to help, and he's stuck here dreaming about his own death.
But as blase as he might want to be about it, he's still stuck with the same terror he'd felt when it had happened. The sense of never being found. The fear of dying, trapped and buried...well, clearly not alive.
Try as he might to not give in, to remind himself how different this was, to do literally anything else than play it out the way it had gone originally, he still punches his way through the wood; still digs his way out of the grave.
Cazador waits for him at the end of it, he knows. He'd almost rather be left in the grave.
But he can't, he can't, he's desperate, he's scared. The original feelings of the memory dig their talons into him and pull and force him to feel as he did. He feels like he's suffocating as the dirt rains down on him. It feels so real, exactly like it had in the moment.
Except this time he knows what's waiting for him. And every attempt more to claw his way out is a step closer to Cazador, a step closer to the next 200 years of suffering. The digging feels like it takes forever. But when he finally emerges to the cold night of the air, Cazador is waiting. He reaches out to grab him by the neck and ---
Astarion screams and wakes with a start, gasping for breath. His fingers shake as they come up to touch the bite mark on his neck. He blinks against the darkness of the room a couple of times. He can see perfectly well in the dark, of course. He just wants to focus on reality instead of the memory, still lingering at the back of his mind, trying to pull him back in. ]
bg3 spoilers + cw: buried alive
The nightmares come, they always do. An irony, when he's not even sleeping, but he has so few good memories to focus on compared to the time he was with Cazador. It's no surprise, just as its no surprise that his nightmares this time are focused on his death--the Gur hunters; Cazador in the alley "sparing" his life; and then waking up.
Not surprising, after the night they'd had.
No, Astarion insists as if insisting might change the nightmare itself. We've already done this once. There's no need to do it again.
The nightmare does not change, he cannot will it to be different. Instead, the only response is Cazador's cold, cruel laughter taunting him.
I was doing my civic duty, you know, putting all those bodies back. I don't deserve this. Not that his nightmare seems to care about that, either. Fairness never played into anything. It's part of why he never cares about the right thing. What had the right thing ever done for him? All that grave digging to help, and he's stuck here dreaming about his own death.
But as blase as he might want to be about it, he's still stuck with the same terror he'd felt when it had happened. The sense of never being found. The fear of dying, trapped and buried...well, clearly not alive.
Try as he might to not give in, to remind himself how different this was, to do literally anything else than play it out the way it had gone originally, he still punches his way through the wood; still digs his way out of the grave.
Cazador waits for him at the end of it, he knows. He'd almost rather be left in the grave.
But he can't, he can't, he's desperate, he's scared. The original feelings of the memory dig their talons into him and pull and force him to feel as he did. He feels like he's suffocating as the dirt rains down on him. It feels so real, exactly like it had in the moment.
Except this time he knows what's waiting for him. And every attempt more to claw his way out is a step closer to Cazador, a step closer to the next 200 years of suffering. The digging feels like it takes forever. But when he finally emerges to the cold night of the air, Cazador is waiting. He reaches out to grab him by the neck and ---
Astarion screams and wakes with a start, gasping for breath. His fingers shake as they come up to touch the bite mark on his neck. He blinks against the darkness of the room a couple of times. He can see perfectly well in the dark, of course. He just wants to focus on reality instead of the memory, still lingering at the back of his mind, trying to pull him back in. ]