escordvi | closed ⚡🪶 and forevermore, i'll be chasing the storm we had.

[.......Ah.

He glances away at that, not sure what to say at first.]

...It's not as if I were consciously thinking it.

[Perhaps. And then a sigh.]

You know how I get... Locking myself up, busy myself with work, forget everything else as I try to focus on the next thing to make up for what happened.

[He runs a weary hand over his face.]

And then not realizing it until after.

[And in the past...when she would burst in just like she did.]

I know.

[She brings a hand up and presses it to the spot right between his brow and runs a thumb over it, smoothing out the wrinkles... just like she would do back then, too, after bursting into his chambers when he got that way.]

I never did like when you did that...

[Because it meant forgetting about her, too.

That hand comes down to slide over his cheek and his jaw before resting on his shoulder, and she cants her head at him before her eyes lower again.]

It's a terrible habit.

[There's a old, nostalgic feeling that comes with the way her thumb pressed over those wrinkles, one that takes him all the way back to those bygone years. Bit of a bittersweet feeling, really, with the bitterness only more painful when they are like this and he's once again reminded of everything they lost, how ruined they became towards one another. Of that "what if" had things been different for them.

And how he had once realized she would never come bursting through his door again, that it would have to be others who would take that spot... But never in the same way she did. Never with that close, tender warm touch because no one except Mid would ever dare. And while the memories and expectations would fade, they were never forgotten. Not completely. Perhaps even this time a part of him had wanted her to fly in and he just never realized it.

So he can only stare at her for a moment before there's that light quirk of his lips, that somewhat hollow grin that habitually forms when even the smallest joke manages to form.]

Hard one to break.

I suppose that is what I am for...

[Though, it does make her wonder... who had been the one to do it after he had left? Who would throw his doors open and drag him out of it when he overworked himself or wallowed in whatever new pity he found within himself? Who was the one who would tell him to get up off his ass and cut it out?

Soft words were never her thing, and she always thought he needed someone who wouldn't mince them.

And she stares back at him, watching that empty smile and wondering how to fill it. That was also something she never knew how to do. Something she hoped would just come naturally over time, but she remembers that as the years went on, it became harder and harder.

She sighs.]

You know what I've told you about those wrinkles.

Bit hard to escape from at my age.

[A wry grin, though he knows that's not what she means.]

[Uh huh...]

Only because you had done it so often before.

[And he'll get a pointed little look from her, but it softens and droops away again.]

... I was under the impression that the rest of your merry little crew would be on your ass about getting out of that slump of yours now.

I had a few visit, but they don't have that same special charm you do.

[And he did appreciate them, really. If Benedikta weren't around, they would have eventually pulled him out or he would have on his own—like always.

But as true with anyone, there is always that one, special person that would have a more lasting, immediate impact. And she is one of the very few. One of the firsts.]

Because they are too soft.

[She mumbles it with a chastising glance.

Though, she has a feeling that isn't the only reason he said that, but those roots of her insecurities dig deep, made worse when she remembers how things used to be compared to now.]

Well...

[The water ripples around the as he shifts, a hand brushing back her hair as an arm wraps around her waist.]

Sometimes being a little "rough" and "tough" is exactly what I need. And even then...

[A little poke to her cheek.]

You can be a lot "kinder" and "softer" than you believe and give yourself credit for.

Edited 2024-01-21 20:39 (UTC)

[She would shoot him a small look of warning for those kind things he says that she knows she doesn't deserve nor want because of what it makes her feel, but she is far too tired to. Too relaxed when his fingers brush through her hair and over her skin, the warmth of the water chasing away that tension that immediately rose into her shoulders.

So, she just clicks her tongue quietly, shoving his hand away when he pokes her in the cheek.]

Anyway.

[She clears her throat, and lowers herself back down to his shoulder.]

...Should you ever have need of the "rough" and "tough" again...

[He need only call her, but she lets those words hang silently in the air. It already feels strange enough saying this much, but when fear is what is pushing her, it's a powerful thing.]

[Another slight quirk of his lips at her trying to run from his words.

But there's a brief moment of silence before he answers.]

And what if I just want your company?

[A seemingly innocent question that isn't quite so. Or rather, it could mean a lot of different things... A lot of heavier things.]

[She breathes out with a partial laugh.]

I'm not so sure what my company would offer at times like this.

[She still thinks this is about comforting words and reassurances, which she cannot do.]

A distraction?

There is that. [A wry grin.]

But there's always more to it. Just like today.

[Her hands slide along his arms, up and down, bringing the water with it so that it trickles over his skin, the sound of it filling the silence that she lets follow.]

Today? You mean the skating and the pool?

[There's surprise edging her voice—]

This is something you would have done any other day. You would have dragged me out to do it.

[—before it quiets again.]

I was shocked when I'd heard of them and hadn't received a hundred messages from you before you knocked on my door.

True... But there's a difference between me planning something... And something that comes about due to your actions.

Might not have been what you had in mind, but it was thanks to you all the same.

[He keeps saying all these things that make her heart flutter with a sense of longing... that need to be needed. It's both frustrating and overwhelming, to say the least, and it only makes her hide further again.]

Well then... I suppose I could grant it... should you ever want it.

[They do have many, many years to make up for, don't they?]

But you have to ask next time.

I will.

[And he's going to give her a small, chaste kiss on the top of her head, lips lingering before he shifts slightly so that he can rest his head against hers, eyes closing slightly as he continues to take in her warmth.]

...I mean it, though. Usually I prefer to be by myself, not bother or worry anyone else about my own problems.

[Not show this side of him, especially when he had so many people looking up to him, to him for their own strength and guidance. Something he knows she knows well. He's carried that "leadership" role for so long, it's just like another skin, a part of him that will never go away. Which means the habits formed from them are hard to go away as well, if they ever could. Which, in many ways, can create a sense of loneliness that he doesn't even fully realize.

Or didn't quite realize until she screamed at him a few months ago about how he shoulders everything by himself.]

But you're the only one...I feel like I can.

[She shifts on his lap, her head turning just so beneath where he rests it against hers. She can't quite see him from this angle, so as she closes her eyes against the warmth of his neck, she thinks she can imagine what his expression might be.

As for her own, she can't help but smile a little at knowing this, but it's gone as quickly as it had come.]

You take on too much on your own.

[She's just going to give him that little reminder, just in case he needs it, because it's still frustrating, and part of why she nearly kicked down his door earlier this morning.]

You cannot shoulder it all by yourself. ... Not even this, Cidolfus.

[A small, heavy sigh.]

I know... I know.

[There's quiet resignation in his voice before his eyes close fully.]

...Really missed you, you know.

[Missed this.

And while he knows he has no right to say it, the words just...flowed out.]

[He might as well have taken a knife in his hands and shoved it through her heart right then and there and then let her bleed out into the water. The words strike her like lightning: quick, sudden, and sharp, and she feels as if she's lost the breath she'd been in the middle of taking, like it's been burned out of her to make room for that.

He really should have no right to say it, and hells, she swears she can hear Garuda somewhere in her head screaming, her claws raking across her insides to remind her of what he had done to her by leaving her behind. That he walked away from his vows, from his promises, from her. That he never came back to her. He should not be allowed to say it, or to feel it after that...

She could pretend she didn't care all she wanted and that she was better off without him, and maybe in some ways she was, but in other ways...

Benedikta still craved his attention. Still yearned for love... and in all her pursuits to find it again after she lost his, she found herself wishing more and more that she could have it back. No matter how tightly her liege held her, in the end, she still felt... empty.

That must be what it feels like to miss someone so deeply. That no one could fill that hole that they left after they are gone, no matter how hard one tries to find something that could.

But to hear it from him after spending six years wondering—no, believing that he'd fully left her behind and forgotten her, it aches so terribly.

She should be happy to hear it, and a part of her is, but the rest of her just feels... sad. Lonely.

"You shouldn't have left me then. You should have come back for me," is what she should say, and she would have before, not even a few months ago, but now, even as she opens her mouth to protest, she cannot bring herself to.]

... You've done a poor job of showing it these past few days if that is the case.

[And while that is the cold hard truth, she helps to soften the blow by lifting herself up so that she can kiss him gently, briefly.]

[He knows he shouldn't and he almost regrets it.

Almost.

But at the same time, he wanted her to hear it, selfish as it may be. And foolish it may be.

She refused him, rejected him, didn't listen to him no matter how many times he tried to tell her the truth. She didn't follow him and until the very end she didn't take his hand. And so, like her, for all those years he believed she really did stopped loving him. Made him question and doubt if she ever loved or cared for him at all. And he would have continued to believe it until his own death were it not for that one singular proof that is currently hanging around her neck even now.

But in those years, he did doubt, question, tried to forget—but he really couldn't. They lessened, surely, but they would spark up again like a curse, especially whenever he caught wind of her movements or they happened to meet—and each encounter ending worse than the last. And each time it would just leave that large, vacant hole that could never be filled no matter how hard he tried to the point that he stopped trying. The only people he could love from then on was Mid, who understandably took up most of it, and the friends and companions he gathered.

And really... This may be the first time he's even consciously thinking or voicing it as well. Realizing how much he did miss her now that he has her back like this—even if she still threatens to fly away at any given chance.

So he wasn't sure how she'd react. He felt her stiffen and he half expected her to even pull away in resentment. Thus the kiss and her words surprise him a bit—and sting a little since it's true, he's done a poor job.]

...Hope I've at least made up some of it.

[The kiss surprised her, too.

But it still doesn't take away from that sting that they both feel; that ache that settles deep within her heart that reminds her of all the time that they have missed out on because they were both too stuck within their own dreams to see what they would truly miss...

And that was each other. It always was.

Even when she had her claws to his throat, even when she tried to send him to his death in that chapel, it was all because of her anger and resentment born out of missing him. Wanting what she could no longer have. Still loving and longing for him even after he left her behind. It hurt then, and sometimes it still hurts now. That pain has dulled some, but she's sure that for both of them, it will never completely go away.

But they continue to push through it anyway, somehow.]

Some.

[She cants her head at him, and while she's steeled her gaze, it does soften a touch, those unsaid words reflecting back at him when she can't bring herself to say them out loud.

That she missed him, too.]

You've still a long way to go before you've fully repaid that debt.

[That is to say... she wants to spend more time with him. Wants him to want to spend time with her.]

[He might not fully catch or know her thoughts or meaning, but he can at least get an idea. Enough that he knows she's not pushing him away or flying off.

Truly... Just her staying even after all that speaks volumes. More than words could ever say, even if she were brave enough to voice them.]

Then I'll work hard to do so.

[His voice is quiet only because his lips now brush against hers for another kiss.]

No matter how long it takes.

[...Even if takes the rest of his life. This second life.

He won't make the same mistakes again. He refuses it.]

[She takes the kiss, even if she stiffens in his arms when those new feelings rush over her. Good feelings and bad feelings alike, but feelings that make her hold him that much tighter, kiss him again that much deeper, as if she means to never let him go.

And maybe she does. Maybe she plans to hold him fast to her, crush him to her in that same way that he does so often to her...

Especially when the possibility of him leaving is there, those thoughts from earlier rearing its ugly head all over again.

It's only then that she pulls away from him, breaking that second kiss and pressing her lips together as if to secure them away from him. Her jaw ticks as she wrestles with this sudden onslaught that really isn't so sudden. They have been there, lingering, since she watched him fall asleep and this has all but roused them again.]

... Until you plan to return, no?

[—and the words slip out of her before she can even think to stop them.]

[He initially tries to chase her, but he stops when he sees how her lips are pursed and that pensive look. It surprises him a little, wondering what she could be thinking—]

Sorry?

[There's just blank, dumbfounded look as he stares at her.]

Return...where?

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