closed 🪶 i'm in the end, just what you made me.

[garudas]

Who: Benedikta Harman & others.
Status: Closed.
Where: Around.
What: Catch-all log for November.
Warnings: FFXVI spoilers. Definitely lots of foul language.

[If you would like a closed starter, please feel free to poke me over at my plotting post and we can plot something! 💚]

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[garudas]

[Her eyes close again when his forehead presses to hers, and she gives it the slightest push back, the gesture saying far more than she could with any string of words. She could weave the world's finest poem and it would still do no justice to the complex mess of feelings that continue to fight between them. That strong need to be together, that powerful draw towards one another, and yet fate would have it that they cannot be together, all thanks to their past.

A past that has her drawing that line once more and hurting herself while doing it.

Six years she has wanted him back, and now that she has him here, his lips only mere inches away from hers again, his thumb caressing her cheek just like he used to do, she can't bring herself to accept it fully. Things are too complicated right now, her heart too messy—it knows where it wants to be, but not where it should be, and so it continues to waver, pushing her over that line only to draw her back behind it. She knows that he must feel the same.

She doesn't want to leave... She doesn't want to part ways with him again because it means returning to that place in her head that she doesn't want to go back to. A place of darkness where it is only fear that grips her, a place where his hand cannot reach to pull her out of it, or where his light cannot go without being snuffed out.

But she can't keep dragging him into the dark with her.

As much as she wants to remain right where she is, she knows that she can't. Not for herself, nor for him. Yet, it takes so much for her to not chase his lips, to not chase the old memories that they are trying hard to let go of.]

... I need to go.

[With a trembling breath, she takes a firm step back lest she fall into that same trap again, and it's back to business as usual.

Or, tries to be.]

You will hear from me in a couple of days. After I've found us a suitable place.

[ramuhs]

[He almost chases after her, that warmth now disappearing with her as she's the one to pull away, but he just clenches his fingers.

Needs to.

Not wants to.

And that little nudge from before, the many, many times they've lingered...

...It's enough.

For now, at least. Enough to send that message that yes, she would rather be with him, but she cannot. And he understands—a lot more now thanks to them opening up more and more. Understands and encourages her need to stand on her own feet, find her place. Just like he needs to figure out what kind of place he wants to be now, what it is he really wants to do with this second lease on life.

Enough to know that they're still moving forward, little by little.

And that's...for the best.

So he just gives her a light smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes, but it's not completely false, either.]

Can always reach out to me sooner.

[Another rogue quip, his own attempt to keep things "business as usual."]

But I'll be waiting.

💚💜 fin.

[garudas]

...

[She lifts her eyes to his one more time, her lip quirking upward ever so slightly, the ghost of a smile there and gone in a blink.]

... I know.

[She echoes his words, but it's the truth—she knows that he would be waiting for her to reach out, whether it were sooner or later. Stubbornly so, just as he always has been. Though, for how long, she finds herself asking as she takes another step back, putting more distance there before turning for the door, but not before shooting Ashtail a look, only for it to be ignored. The brat.

And that is the last thing she'll say to him before making for the door, sparing not a single glance back. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she knows she shouldn't. Knows that if she did, she might doom herself—doom them both by running back into his arms again.

How long will he wait for her? How long will he stand by and watch as she bleeds herself dry of all the venom that has poisoned her all these years? Only then will they be able to be anything more than what they are now. Only when she can no longer look at him and feel that hurt or that fear of being left behind can they truly try to move forward. Only when he can look at her and not be reminded of a life that once was, chasing that girl he knew so long ago...

Only when they have both sorted themselves out and untangled themselves from this mess of feelings...

But that day is not today, and Benedikta doesn't think that day will come for some time.]

Bye, Cidolfus.

[But not goodbye.

The door opens and closes, and there is the slightest beat of hesitation before it finally clicks shut behind her. She doesn't dare linger, afraid that he will swing the door open again and chase after her, so she runs down the hall and up the stairs back to her room where she firmly locks the door behind her and throws herself onto the couch, face first, with a low swear under her breath.

Today had been a lot, and there was so much that was left unsaid in this very room before he had kissed her and carried her off to bed. So many things that she knows will only come back around again later, when it all comes to a head.

Her fear of being weak. Her fear of that freedom. Her fear of losing him...

She'll have to face it all eventually.

Though, not today.

Instead, she finds her strength again through sheer force of will, wanting an escape from the silent hell that is her apartment before her thoughts could get too far away from her. So, she flies until she finds a suitable island for their little bet.

And true to her word, he will receive a message a few days later with a time and a place.]