escordvi | [Closed] 🐟 U CAN'T SASHIMI

[ Shepard never really lived down The Incident at the fancy sushi place on the Citadel. Combined with her inability to keep the fish in her private quarters alive, and to the delight of basically everyone else, the jokes wrote themselves. The Commander was ambushed? Pfft, who cares - what was the fish body count?

So of course, when Garrus flaps his snarky mandibles after spotting the listing for a fishing competition, Shepard decides it's time for revenge. And that's how she, and her part-time anchor of a boyfriend, end up on a tiny rowboat out at sea with a couple of fishing rods cast off the side.

It's a good day for it, and spring is rapidly approaching. The gentle bob of the boat on the water and the cry of seabirds overhead remind her of the old vids about Earth - she is having a nice, relaxing time. But that's probably not the same story for her reluctant companion. ]

I am sorry.

[At least he is now. Now that he's in a tiny boat. Out on the water. The very deep water. With what passes for ridiculously puffed up arm floats strapped to his biceps. No armor, not today, because that would just make him sink faster, when he inevitably end up in the water. Why would he end up in the water?]

[Just his luck.]

Do we have to use the poles? Can't we just shoot the fish?

[It's a stupid question. He is very much aware of that. But he's worried, and chatty as a result.]

No, Garrus, you can't shoot the fish.

[ A sigh as she glances over at him with his floaties, her elbow on her knee and her cheek on her palm. He's such a sight that her attempt to answer him seriously faulters, her stony face cracking into a grin as she snorts in an attempt to hold her laughter. ]

And unless you've concealed your rifle in a real creative place, I don't think you'd have the firepower to hit anything.

[She has a point. As much as he does not want to concede it. His rifle is not, in fact, here with him. It's safely stowed at the little apartment.]

Fine. [The sulk is intense.] Do you know how to use the poles, then?

[ He's cute when he's sulky. She'd reach over and pinch one of his mandibles, but doesn't want to frighten him by rocking the boat more than is necessary - she's not that mean. ]

You wait for a bite and then you use the, uh... thing on the side to wind them in.

[ It's not a "no", but it's not a "yes" either. ]

How hard can it be?

[It's true. Every rock of the boat has him grasping onto the sides. Holding on a little too tightly. The fear of drowning is a real one.]

That's... a very technical explanation you have there.

[Not that he knows any better.]

I guess we're about to find out.

It's aaaall in the waiting.

[ Fishing is a game of patience, which is going to stop being novel for her really fast. But for now, Garrus and his floaties are buoying her enjoyment of the experience considerably.

As is the promise of a lifetime of free lunches: they've got a house to save for. ]

What's turian-friendly sushi like, anyway?

If it's just waiting... looks like I won't be half bad.

[Snipers have to wait a loooong time. Usually. He can be patient. Especially if there's a competition on the line.]

[Which would be a nice distraction from the Water.]

About the same, really. Tried to emulate the human kind as much as possible... different fish, of course.

And it's warmer out here than it is on land. Silver linings.

[ Says the cruel woman who dragged him out here, but the floaties aren't just for show. Plus, she's proven before she's a strong enough swimmer to save him if things do go boat-up and he ends up losing the armbands somehow. ]

Hmm... have you ever tried it, or is this going to be another first?

You say that now. If we fall in, it's going to be worse.

[Garrus, please, let your girlfriend have her silver linings.]

[He's still getting flashbacks to the Leviathan mission out here. Slowly craning his neck to peer into the water.]

Yeah, I have. But my favorite place mysteriously had a catastrophic amount of fish casualties... so...

We're not going to fall in unless someone panics and starts flailing about.

[ She's teasing him, knows Garrus is capable of keeping a cool head in bad situations. But unless they end up trying to reel in a shark, they should be pretty stable...

Shepard snorts, glancing down into the water herself. It's so deep it just looks like an endless abyss, with the occasional creature swimming by. ]

Har har. Bet it's only your favourite place because of that.

Or if something comes up from under us and breaks the boat.

[Garrus. Come on. He takes a deep breath - or two, and shakes his head, slowly.] Sorry. I'll be fine. Just getting the nervous thoughts out.

[Venting to the air. When he can't calibrate his worries away.]

Can't say it is. It was too pricey to be a regular haunt - There's just as good down in Zakera Ward if you know where to look.

[ There's exasperated amusement in her voice as she addresses Garrus's increasingly fanciful worries. ]

So long as we don't give them reason to, I doubt we're worth the effort of upsetting. Maybe try to keep the bad jokes to a minimum, though.

[ Before she can even cackle at her own wisecrack, the boat gently bobs to one side. Both fishing rods bow forwards, the lines stretched tight by something below them.

With a brief glance to Garrus, eyebrow raised, Shepard peers over the side into the deep, dark water. Whatever it is, it's not currently visable to her... ]

Maybe should have cast one off each side... Come on, you take the right. Just pull back and wind it in with the thing.

Yes, I'm sure comedy will be the thing that rocks the boat into tipping...

[Sorry, did she say to keep the jokes to a minimum?]

[The boat bobs, and Garrus startles like a cat. Planting his feet and bracing himself. But he does keep his grip on the pole, tightening it, even. Part of him wants to pull her back from the edge, but that's the irrational part.]

[The part that's afraid of the water, and remembers the Leviathan mission too clearly in the moment.]

Got it. Winding... the thing.

[At least he still falls back on orders.]

[ Assuming the lines have tangled together, Shepard isn't really expecting anything too big. Sure, whatever it is made the boat move, but they're on water and that really doesn't take much when you think about it--

The next tug on the lines is unexpectedly violent, almost ripping the pole from Shepard's hands. The boat bobs wildly to the same side as before, and she finds herself reflexively pushing her feet down and pulling herself back, gritting her teeth as she forces the crank slowly around. ]

Looks like you might get to go home early!

[ A big catch on their first try! Beginner's luck, obviously. ]

[Oh this is hell. Forget the Reapers, the Collectors, the Thorian - this right here. This is hell. The boat's bobbing around, something that lives in the water is trying to pull them in too, and why can't he just shoot the fish from a nice safe distance?]

[Regardless, he keeps pulling. Turning the reel. A glance over at her and he braces his feet like Shepard does.]

Small mercies! Provided we get it - in the boat!

[Why is it taking so long? Is the damn thing really that big?]

[ Despite how desperately their catch is trying to escape, the only advantage it has is the inexperience of the fishers - its capture is an inevitability with their combined strength.

After what seems an eternity of small gains on the reel, the fish is yanked free from the water with one last almighty heave. But there's no time to celebrate, or pay any attention to the unsettlingly gooey sounding THUNK as their catch lands between them on the small boat's floor.

With the sudden shift in weight, the boat rocks wildly from side-to-side and even Shepard drops her rod to reflexively grip the sides, though she's laughing breathlessly the entire time. And why shouldn't she? Another successful mission and, more importantly: free sashimi lunches! ]

You okay there, big guy?

[This is it, this is how he dies. In a boat. Drowning.]

[Despite his concerns, that does not, in fact, happen. What does happen is, eventually, the horrible sea whatsit on the end of the line is bodily yanked into the boat, instead of Garrus ending up overboard. The sound it makes when it hits the boat is disgusting, frankly.]

[Wow he hates everything about the water.]

[... except it's making her laugh. At some point in the struggle, he'd noticed, but it takes actually landing the nasty creature to give him a second to appreciate what he's hearing. The boat rocks. Garrus just stares. Watching her laugh and hold on and he is sure the look on his face is the dumbest, sappiest thing. It's a gorgeous sight. The water is bright, her expression is brighter.]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I -

[Unfortunately, his warm, fuzzy speech is cut off by a wet tentacle slapping onto the scarred side of his face with a sick slop sound. And it stays there.]

[Yes. He hates the water.]

[ The SLOP of the tentacle hitting briefly startles the smile from her face... but of course, this doesn't last more than a couple of seconds. It's so absurd and so sudden that Shepard can't help laughing, harder than she has in a long, long time, primed for giddiness by their success.

But hey. Doesn't it feel like something's... prickling under the tentacle. Like tiny, sharp bristles - annoying and itchy. ]

[He wants to look more put out. But, instead, he just spreads his hands a bit in a "go on" sort of gesture. Go ahead, Shepard, laugh it up. What doesn't help is the mandible on that side trying its best to flick off the offending tentacle and just. kind of awkwardly twitching.]

[But come to think of it? Something does feel... off. His expression clouds and he slaps at it, managing to pry it off as the tentacle suddenly spasms.]

[It comes away smeared with blue, with the creature starting to writhe and contort on the floor of the boat.]

... Uh. Are they supposed to do that?

[ It takes a few seconds for Shepard's brain to process what she's seeing, doubtless if the tentacle had come away red things would have clicked sooner. In those few seconds, the creature rolls wetly and two more of its tentacles grasp at Garrus's legs, winding around his ankles.

What a delicacy, what a treat - how exotic! Blue blood! Delicious~~~! ]

For the love of--

[ Shepard finally comes to her senses, lunging at the creature and grabbing its slippery mass of a body. She goes to pull back, but reflexively jerks and throws the beast down again when she feels something sinking into her forearm, blood beading in two large crescents, suspiciously similar to the marks a human bite might leave. ]

Edited 2025-04-13 18:29 (UTC)

What the hell!

[Oh no. This is not going to get Bad. He grabs for one of the paddles - because shooting it, while on a boat, is a terrible idea, and even he knows that - to hit the creature as Shepard throws it back down. If touching it means it bites them, better not to take chances.]

[SMACK]

[He'll just whack it with the paddle as hard as he can. Several times, if need be.]

[ The creature's tentacles withdraw, curling in on themselves as the paddle comes down on its body. That's the only indication of it maybe experiencing any pain, it's fleshy body just wobbling with a loud plap plap plap sound as the flat wood of the oar connects.

They should have really brought something more effective, like a knife. But who expects to be assailed by a bloodthirsty octopus? ]

Can you scoop it with that? Knock it overboard?

[Well, it's not not working.]

[At least the thing isn't trying to eat them anymore. If only because it's distracted flailing at the slaps of the oar. Its tentacles wobble around, trying to slap back at the oar, to no avail.]

Worth a shot -

[Now he'll just kind of. Slap-scoop it. To the edge of the boat, trying not to rock it too much and get the tentacle beastie in the water at the same time.]

[ Of course, the creature being a blood-sucker means its bite and its stings have an anti-clotting agent. Blood runs freely down Shepard's arm as she watches the show of Garrus trying to push the beast off their little boat, grabbing the second paddle to help as it rolls and flops off Garrus's paddle back to the deck.

The beast has had enough of its food being rude and fighting back, though. As Garrus's paddle paps its gelatinous body again, a tentacle shoots out to wrap around the oar, a second around the newly introduced second that Shepard has brought to try and scoop it with. The amount of resistance from this creature is noticeable immediately, it is STRONG. ]

[It's like trying to scoop medi-gel back into the container. With your hands. And no tools. If the gel in question were alive, and also angry. Later, he'll probably laugh about this, what with the ridiculous splat noises the creature is making. Now, though, it's just annoying.]

[Oh, okay, so it's going to make things worse.]

Do we - do you have a knife? [He just keeps pulling and swatting alternately. Like that's going to make a difference.] Or maybe I can kick it?

[He does have talons on those toes of his.]

What, and have this happen to your leg?

[ She nods to the paddle, and at the stubborn tentacle wrapped around it. ]

... I didn't think we'd need a knife. You just drop fish in a bucket when you catch them, right?

[ This fishing trip is NOT going to plan. She tries to pull the paddle out of the octopus's grip, but that goes about as well as expected.]

I'd suggest just throwing the paddles overboard if it didn't leave us stranded.

Maybe it lets go when it dies.

[Maybe?? What does he know about fish? Other than sushi and the ones she'd kept in her tank.]

... Shepard. Look who you're asking. [Ma'am he loves you beyond reason but seriously.] Your guess is as good as mine.

It can't stay out of the water long, right? Fish breathe water.

Is this a fish?

[ She manages to slap the paddle down on its gelatinous head, though it doesn't release it grip at all. Really, it's as if striking it with blunt objects only annoys it. ]

... what if we stand on its other tentacles. I could probably get two or three under one boot if I'm lucky.

[He looks at the octopus. Then back at Shepard. Despite the alien facial features, there's nothing on his face except abject confusion.]

I... have no idea.

[It looks like a hanar.]

Stand up? In the boat? [Oh god-] I... can try if you think it'll work.

[ It sure does look like a hanar. Were Garrus to make the comparison to a certain fictional spectre, Shepard might find a way to beat the thing to death through sheer force of will, despite its resistance to their efforts to subdue it.

His hesitation makes her pause and reevaluate - if they succeed in yanking the paddles from this thing, the force that's required will surely have them off the opposite side of the boat. Clicking her tongue, she shakes her head, discarding the idea. ]

Nevermind, too risky...

[ And then, a thought: ]

How come this thing is immune to dextro blood? Did it not get much out of you?

[ Her attempt to smack it again is routed, the paddle briefly pulled from her hands before she hastily grabs it again. ]

[If they weren't in a little boat surrounded by fathomless depths of water, he might consider it. He doesn't doubt Shepard can swim, but if something happens, she goes overboard, there's not going to be a hell of a lot he can do about it.]

[Her question makes him pause too. Reaching up to touch his face, running the pads of his fingers along the scars. The marks are already scabbed over...] I think it only grazed me.

[So, no, it probably didn't get much at all. He looks down. Then at Shepard. And then back down to the octopus...]

[And slams his foot down on it.]

If this doesn't work, you're welcome to tell you "I told you so, Garrus" until I die.

[It's already curled its tentacles up to grasp his ankle for that strange new blue blood! And... and! Starts to thrash wildly.]

Garrus-!!

[ Who knows what stuff the octopus is injecting him with in return for his blood, in addition to an anticoagulant.

Whatever's going on with the beast in response to the delicacy it's getting a taste of, be it dancing or having an anaphylactic fit, it's too distracted to keep a firm hold of the paddle as Shepard finally rips it out of its grip and starts wailing on it with all her might.

With a crunch, the paddle snaps near the oar and Shepard breaks it off the rest of the way, using the pole like a makeshift baseball bat. Between the two of them, poison on one side and being beaten into paste on the other, it doesn't last much longer, finally going limp at the bottom of the boat ]

[You know, at some point, he's going to have to examine why Shepard bludgeoning things or crushing things, or prying open heavy doors, lights up every interest in his brain. Some point. Not this point. Because they're in a tiny boat, and Shepard has bludgeoned a seafaring hanar to death with an improvised bat.]

[... well then.]

[At least it looks dead.]

[He's quiet for a while, before gently disentangling his foot. The tentacles make gross plap noises against the bottom of the boat as they fall off him.]

So.

Fishing. Guess not even that can be normal for us, huh?

[ The makeshift bat hits the deck of the boat with a loud bang as Shepard finally throws it down, sitting unceremoniously down on her bench with an exhausted huff. ]

... you think the guy would take this instead of a regular fish?

[He prods it with his own oar. It doesn't do much.]

[Squish. Squish squish.]

He'll have to. Just... do what you usually do. Sweet talk him.

[ Shepard scoffs, watching the dead beast undulate as Garrus prods it. ]

It'd sound better coming from you, with your whole... voice... thing...

[ A pause as she catches the blood on her arm from the corner of her eye, wiping it clumsily on her pants. ]

How's your leg? Not feeling weird?

That is a dangerous power to use irresponsibly.

[He says, using the voice. The asshole.]

[But her motion catches his attention, and he quits tormenting the fish corpse.]

No. Itchy, maybe, but, the salt water does that anyway. You?

[ An amused eyeroll at him bringing out the voice, because of course he does. ]

Itchy, too. Keep an eye on it, in case it gets worse...

[ She looks down at the dead creature, absent-mindedly scratching the puncture wound on her arm. ]

Come on, we should go try our luck with the merchant.

We'll find whatever passes for antihistamines here.

[It'll be fine. Just a little itchy? They can handle that.]

And get off this boat. [Please.]

Sounds like a plan.

[ She goes to reach for her oar, briefly forgetting she... snapped it in two beating the creature to death.

What a pain...

It's going to take a small while for them to realize just rowing one oar on one side = turning in circles, isn't it? ]

Let's go.

[Thank god, they're leaving the ocean.]

[... Eventually.]

[Once they figure out the paddle situation.]

[It'll be fine, they'll make it.]

[Closed] 🐟 U CAN'T SASHIMI

[Garrus] 🎣 Bigger Fish to Fry

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