garudas: (🗡️ 010)
benedikta harman. ([personal profile] garudas) wrote in [community profile] escordvi2023-11-05 06:27 pm

closed 🪶 i'm in the end, just what you made me.

Who: Benedikta Harman & others.
Status: Closed.
Where: Around.
What: Catch-all log for November.
Warnings: FFXVI spoilers. Definitely lots of foul language.

[If you would like a closed starter, please feel free to poke me over at my plotting post and we can plot something! 💚]
ramuhs: (⚡ 027)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 03:51 am (UTC)(link)
[It's all right that she doesn't put her arms around him—his own is enough for the both of them. He presses the side of his face down against the top of her head first, eyes closing as he can feel how her body reacts—from that initial stiffening to that slow relaxing, guessing she must stifling her emotions.

Especially at her words.]


No.

[So the answer is immediate, a small frown forming.]

Why would you think that?
ramuhs: (⚡ 024)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 04:20 am (UTC)(link)
[Well.

That gets an arch of the brow and he has to pull back slightly to look at her.]


You mean when I look at you out of concern and care?
ramuhs: (⚡ 039)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 04:46 am (UTC)(link)
[A small sigh. This... Is going to be another point they'll have to work on.]

It's not out of pity, and I don't think you're weak.

[He's just going reaffirm that. Even if she doesn't believe him now, he'll continue to hammer it into her until she does.]

But even if I did, it wouldn't change anything, Benedikta. I wouldn't think less of you or leave you.

You should know me better than that.

[When he took her hand when she was truly at her lowest. When he helped her, guided her, stood by her. The only time he did leave her...was not when she was weak. But when she tried to push herself for that power.]
ramuhs: (⚡ 052)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 05:10 am (UTC)(link)
[She's going to hold that over his head, as if he consciously made that decisions. But he won't say anything since it doesn't really matter.]

Yes, you should stand on your own feet.

[He'll just agree with her.]

But that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Even the strongest need someone else to help support them, Benedikta. Those who don't crumble and fall faster.
ramuhs: (⚡ 057)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 05:17 am (UTC)(link)
[He'll take it like he has the rest, but his eyes will narrow.]

What of me?
ramuhs: (⚡ 321)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
[Whatever he expected, it wasn't that, and his eyes widen in surprise.]

That...

[The word just falls weakly from his lips, as if she had hit him over the head with something so large, so heavy, that he has no comeback. No answer.

...Because that is what he does, isn't it? He never thought of it, but—she's right. Whether it was subconsciously or deliberately out of not wanting anyone to be hurt by his own actions, he puts himself out there first. He shoulders all those burdens so no one else has to. He's heard of others say he takes on too much, but he never thinks anything of it. Interprets it completely differently.

It's only now, seeing Benedikta in tears, that it finally really strikes him.

He can't even argue that he has other people around him. That he does use others, rely on them to fill the places he can't. Because...in the end, he still takes the worst of it. Hell, he went to try and take Drake's Head once on his own, and was preparing to do so again before Clive and Jill showed back up on his doorstep.

And so, he can't answer. He can only remain silent, as if stunned, with only his expression revealing those cracks she's managed to form as it all starts to sink in.]
ramuhs: (⚡ 303)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 07:10 am (UTC)(link)
[He knows he should answer, but it's as if his throat has thickened and any word he can make is swallowed down, and even that is difficult.

"Those who don't crumble and fall faster", but who the fuck is there to make sure that you do not!?


Who, she asks.

Again names spin through his mind, how Otto takes care of the Hideaway while he focuses on the larger missions, for the many excursions he makes. Charon with her constant supply of goods. Blackthorne to provide their armor, weaponry, and other needs. Gav for his scouting, pivotal for everything they do. Tomes for his knowledge. Even now he had Clive who took on his role, his successor. And all the rest in the Hideaway who do their part to help better everyone else, to prove they could survive. Could live.

Live without him.

Yet even with Otto who was basically his second in command, that still has a disconnect because that's not what she means and he knows it. Because even then, everyone lets him do as he pleases; sigh and protest little but otherwise do not stop him, nor would he really let them. It was his choice to take on this mission to change the world, his mission to try and save them all. And even if it was their choice to follow, it was his decision to bear the burden of protecting and ensuring their safety. To not let them do more than they should. Of course lives were still lost, but if he can prevent and save even one more by taking on the more difficult challenges, then he would.

He did.

He appreciated, treasured, loved them all too much to lose them because they chose to follow his own path. They were more than just "helpers" to aid in his cause, more than just his "charges"—they were friends. Family.

...Just like his troops used to be when he once served as Lord Commander. Of the fellow soldiers and commanders he served with but had to watch to fall one by one in the wars planned and waged by Barnabas. Hearing their voices declaring how they would cover his back, ready to throw their lives to protect him. The times when someone sacrificed themselves saying he had to be the one to live. As long as he was alive, they could keep moving, that there was hope for victory. Over and over until he no longer had anyone left—except Benedikta.

Until he lost her, too.

Until he literally had nothing left for him in Waleod.

One would have thought he wouldn't fall into that pitfall again, that he would harden his heart, close himself off...

But he couldn't. He had Mid. He had Otto. He had someone who still needed him, and he had an axe to grind, so he forced himself forward. But what did change, whether subconsciously or deliberate, was that he would no longer allow anyone else to do his bidding if he could help it. He would not let anyone take the hits for him, try and shield him. Would not let anyone expose their necks farther than needed while he would run out and face the swords instead.

And in the end, it ended with his death.

A death he had chosen.

A death with a path he chose perhaps in some way to atone for all the lives and sacrifices made in his name. For the lives he failed to saved. Whether he consciously chose it is a different matter, but looking back maybe he did to some degree. He wasn't necessarily aiming to die, but whenever he inevitably did, he should at least do so in a form of his own sacrifice, to give back to those who were gone and those who still remained. Perhaps then he could find some penance for his own wrongs and ignorance. His failings.

So after another stretch of silence that lasted long enough where she would be ready to shout more at him, he finally answers quietly.]


No one.

[There was no one.

Because he chose for there to be no one.

He could have had Clive, but even then he doesn't. He already forced the young man into his role, and now he has a chance to live as he should with Jill and his brother. A life that he fears may have been cut far too short. How could he ask more of him when he already gave five of his own to pursue a cause he started?

He could not.

And even now, with Benedikta willingly throwing herself at him...

...

He cannot bring himself to accept. Not if it would put herself in danger. Not if it would have her killed again. Not only that, but she had that chance once. A chance she stepped away from on her own, when perhaps he had needed her most.

Yes.

He was truly a goddamn hypocrite.]
Edited 2023-11-21 14:20 (UTC)
ramuhs: (⚡ 162)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 05:15 pm (UTC)(link)
[The slap was expected, so he's not surprised at all. The force...it's enough to turn his head and grimace, but he still doesn't protest. He doesn't even make a witty "I deserved that" remark even though it's true.

He did deserve it.

Here he is, asking her to let him in and he knows very well that she has been trying, has been making so many steps towards him. Yet what does he do?

Shut her out.

He didn't even realize it until she called him out and made him think. Made him really think about what he had been doing. How he lived his life and how he had fallen into those same ways.

Close himself off in the name of protecting others, but really, he's no better than her. He was protecting himself.

So he just remains silent, still unable to say anything. Or perhaps he knows anything he says will just make things worse.]
ramuhs: (⚡ 263)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 06:37 pm (UTC)(link)
[A small flinch at her words, for they strike deep. Deep through that wall he had built without even knowing it was there. Or maybe he did know, he just forgot about it over the years.

His first thought was to defend and counter against her in some capacity, that he was just doing the same things he always did. That the risks and such he takes are no less than the ones he's taken for the past six years, ten years, twenty, thirty, forty—his whole life.

Except he realized, they aren't the same. Because the path he walked in the past six years was one towards death.

You... You do not get to ask for any part of me if you are just going to walk off the fucking plank with it.

For so long he had lived finding a way to die on his own terms—

You speak to me of second chances, but where are they!?

—he had forgotten.

Cid, you once told me...that you wanted to build a place where people could die on their own terms.
I did.
I've been thinking about that. Why not a place where people can live on their own terms?

Clive...
For so long, I thought I had all the answers...but then I met you...
...and I learned it wasn't a good death we should be fighting for, but a better life.
It's all very well a man reclaiming his fate...but if he can't choose how he meets it...what's the point?

Life.

He had forgotten what it was like to live for a better life, a life for himself. He gave himself up and instead worked for everyone else, because at least they deserved their own chances, their own lives. Mid especially. How could he let his own daughter continue to live in such a messed up world? How could he not want to give her better opportunities when he had the power to make a change?

But himself?

When did he really ever consider it?

And as his gaze slowly lifts to meet hers—]


...You're right.

[—he remembers why, when, and who made him stop. Or at the very least was the last thread he had until it finally snapped. The last piece that closed that wall. It's not even really her fault, he knows that now. Knows that Barnabas played them both like fools and he was just the one who was able to break out it. The hurt still remains, but it lessens when he remembers that.

And even then, it didn't change the fact that even after, even when he failed to save her, he still tried. Tried to at least build that world for her fly in so that maybe, one day, she could see it. That maybe he would be able to get to her.

But he didn't.

And now, he was running that same risk despite all his talk.]


For too long I preached to others, I forgot to listen to my own words. ...And forgot what this second chance with you really means.

[He clenches his fist briefly before he lets out a breath.]

But I get it now. You showed me that—well, smacked it into me. And I needed that.

[He already paid his price with his death once.

Now he really should follow his words and seize this second chance—

To live by his own terms.]
ramuhs: (⚡ 271)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 08:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Benedikta...

[He wishes he could offer more, but what can he when he was clearly in the wrong this time? That he had been going about it the wrong way?

Thinking on it further, maybe he really had been acting selfishly all along. Calls it living for others when it was just a guise for his own needs. Or maybe it was everything all twisted together, both true and not at the same time.

Whatever the case, he can't work like that anymore. Can't walk like he's ready to die and be fine with it.

And now as he stares at her back, unable to see her face but can imagine it from how tense and tight her body posture is, he again is at a loss of what to do. Does he reach out? Stay back? Seeking forgiveness seems pointless as this is not something she would forgive nor does he really want to ask for it. More words of promises? She's clearly tired of hearing them and won't likely believe them right now.

But when she makes those small sobs, trying so hard to hold back, he can't take it anymore and steps forward to strongly embrace her from behind, face burying into her hair.]


I know—now. I know I was wrong and treated you unfairly. I thought I was protecting you, but I only hurt you and everyone else instead.

I know I should do better, but when I see you like this—

[He squeezes her a little tighter.]

What else am I supposed to do?
ramuhs: (⚡ 009)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-21 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
[How her words spin him around, making him question everything he's done and needs to do. He'll never be able to shake off that urge to defend and protect others. That instinct to shield them and rebuke those who try to do the same to him. It's such a flawed view he knows now, but he's lived it for so long it would take a long time to allow others to move in his stead in equal capacity.

Yet that very thing js not what she wants.

She wants him to just be there—and she has a point. All this time he wanted to be that perch, that shelter in the wind, yet what good would he be if disappears? What purpose would he serve if he doesn't take care of himself to allow her that place?

Not just Benedikta, either.

Mid is now here in this world, and he had always regretted leaving her. He knew his time was coming and that was part of why he sent her to Kanver. So that should he ever meet his end, she wouldn't be there to see it. And that's exactly what happened.

And yet, seeing her in her grief when they met... It hit different compared to when Clive and Jill met him again. He didn't discard their joy and grief, but it was like small scratches that he moved forward from. Mid, however struck harder, deeper. Made him really regret he left her as he did. He did everything he could to ensure that everyone and everything would be taken care of should something ever happened to him, but...

...Sending Mid for her protection? No. It was for himself. He knew if he continued to see Mid around, his resolve would falter and he would hesitate. And that hesitation would only bring disaster.

Again he tells Benedikta to be okay with her weaknesses, yet he never dealt with his own. Not properly.

If he kept everyone away far enough, then he would be able to do what needs to be done without those hesitations. Just like she is trying to do.

Live. Perhaps this path is a lot harder than the path towards death...]


...All right.

[His voice is quiet, resigned...but also firm with some resolve. It will not be easy, especially towards her. He watched her die before him, failed every single attempt to try and help and save her—that's not something he'll be able to shake so easily, just like she won't be able to shake that sight of him under the guillotine. That doesn't mean he can't try. Still, he's having trouble voicing much more, so it might not sound satisfactory.]
Edited 2023-11-21 21:41 (UTC)
ramuhs: (⚡ 115)

[personal profile] ramuhs 2023-11-22 12:46 am (UTC)(link)
What can I say?

[Because he knows anything he says whether his own thoughts or to try and comfort her will just be met with more anger and yelling.

So really, what can he say? And would he even want to right now?]


You were right and all I can do is try and change things. Just know it's not going to be easy for me, just like it's not easy for you. Doesn't mean I won't try, but it's not something that will happen overnight.

[Just like he knows she can't change overnight.]

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