escordvi | closed 🪶⚡ but all i really know, you're where i wanna go

How is it unfair? I've come to love everything about you, as well.

Unfair that you would ask me such a thing when you already know my answer.

[She pulls back so that he can see her smile, and the fondness in her gaze.]

You've too good a heart to be anything else, Cidolfus.

What, I could be ruthless and cruel if I had to be.

[He wouldn't like it, of course.]

[She does not mean to snort with a laugh like that.]

But I do not wish for you to be. I think you should stay exactly the way you are...

[A pause.]

Especially if we are to be carrying on with this life of ours.

Edited 2025-07-07 04:59 (UTC)

[He shifts a bit so he can lean a little closer.]

What, you want me to be the "nice" parent?

Well, I certainly would not be.

[She laughs, though there is something else beneath the sound and the smile. Something a touch more unsure, maybe even melancholic and pensive.]

You are saying you would not be the one to spoil them rotten?

Well, I suppose I might a little.

[As clearly evidence by how he spoiled Mid— But he does notice a slight shift, watching her a little.]

But you say that as if you wouldn't, either. Don't think I didn't notice you also doing the same to Mid and especially to Bidowlfin.

Oh, I am not saying that I would not at all. Bidowlfin was difficult because he could fit in my palm when we found him.

[And how could she say no to that!?]

I only meant that... [Her brow twitches ever so slightly.] You would naturally be the "nice" parent, I think.

[....Ah ha. He thinks he knows where this may be going, or at least her thoughts.]

And you don't think you could be?

[His voice is softer as it's now his turn to cuddle in closer, his hand gently running over her arm.]

[She just gives him a pointed look, as if to say really... She knows the kind of person she can be, especially when she gets frustrated and angry.

But right now, she will accept his cuddling and return it in kind, in part so that she can hide from him as she gives a shrug of her shoulder.]

I don't know. I suppose I could be "nice", but... You are the natural.

[A low hum as his hand slides up her arm to her shoulder and then to gently caress her hair.]

You still can be, too.

[Even when she tries to hide his eyes seek hers, even if it's just to look down at the top of her head.]

I know...that things were difficult and that the years shaped you to what you needed to be. But I also know how you were before, and I still see that bright-eyed young girl even now, right here.

Of course there's nothing wrong with being harsher and having a firmer hand. But you are far kinder than you think.

[She lifts herself up from where she hides against his neck, catching his gaze the moment that she does. How did he—? No, that's a silly question. Of course he could read her like the open book that she is around him, but that still does not diminish her surprise at how easily he figured her out.]

It is not just that.

[There's a sheepish look about her now.]

All this talk about you and your father... I realized that I never knew what having a mother was like. Nor was I taught how to be one... Yet, you...

[She pauses, takes a breath.]

You were always so... so good at it. Being a father.

[...Ah...

There's a small nod of understanding.]

Well I don't know... I know I made a lot of mistakes had to ask around for help. As you know.

[A light smile as he gently taps her cheek.]

And I am sure there would be many who would gladly help. But haven't you already proven yourself with Bidowlfin, short as it was?

Is that not different?

[There is a flicker of fear and doubt in her gaze, not in his words, but more in herself.]

This would be a human child... and I do not wish to squander it, should we ever get there. What does it even mean, to be a mother?

[He looks at her for a moment.]

What do you think it means to be a mother? What have you seen or ever wished for yourself?

What would you want for your child?

Edited 2025-07-07 06:38 (UTC)

[That's part of the problem, isn't it? She has no idea what it means, nor what she would have or even should have wished for. She has never had a mother figure—even the other women in Stonhyrr were not that to her, though perhaps in part because she never let them become so. She wanted to be their equal, not some girl they needed to dote after. But she knows that is not the answer either.

Her brow furrows in thought. It is a much harder question to answer than she suspected.]

I... don't know.

[It is only the honest truth.]

I suppose it would mean... Hmm. To be a comforting presence. To know when to have a firm hand versus a loving one. To know how to teach them to be kind...

[All things that she is not very good at.]

[He also did not realize how difficult a question this might be, and for a moment he can't help but feel sad for her. Her story is not an uncommon one, but that doesn't make it any less unfortunate or pitiful, so he can't help but brush his fingertips against her cheek when she finally manages.]

All good answers, but...

[Perhaps drawing from her past experience would be better.]

Try and imagine when Bidowlfin was still a little hatching, or when Mid was still just a bairn. When you were holding them, what did you feel?

[She feels silly for not being able to come up with an answer. Embarrassed, too, and it's clear that she is by the disappointed sound that she makes in the back of her throat. It was never something she thought about... not truly. Not having a mother was something that she simply accepted or... rather, it never crossed her mind because she had only remembered bits and pieces of her own as a child. She cannot even recall her face or her voice—she'd been only six years old when she was sent away.

It was just a fact of her life. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yet here she is now, stuck contemplating the meaning of something that she never really knew.

But his question pulls her away from those thoughts, and she makes a little face at him before she's forced to think back and silence reigns again.]

Like I wished to protect them, and keep them safe. To see them thrive... and be...

[Another pause.]

...Loved...

[There's a soft smile as he looks at her fondly.]

That's it.

[A light kiss on the top of her head as if to help soothe her, his arm that is still around her giving her a gentle squeeze.]

We could go over all the things that a parent can and must do, but at the end of the day what it all boils down is just that: to protect them, watch them grow and thrive, and be loved.

And sometimes, the choices one has to make for that to happen will be difficult. As you said before, needing to place a firm hand, even be harsh and face against those tears.

[He gently brushes her hair.]

I think all the things that you fear you cannot do, you will be able to do so with aplomb when the time comes.

Aplomb?

[Does he think so highly of her?

She gives him a crooked smile at that, a laugh escaping her, but it soon fades into a pleading sort of look—one that seeks just a little more reassurance from him.]

You truly believe that...? That I could be as good at it as you are...

I do.

[There is no hesitation in his voice as he looks at her directly, his eyes never wavering from hers.]

And you won't be alone. I'll be there to help you.

[And she believes him. Though she may need some more reassurances along the way, but she also believes wholeheartedly that he would give them when she needs them. Not out of pity, but because he truly believed in everything he told her, too.

She leans in to kiss him in thanks, a soft brush of her lips over his.]

... I suppose you already know that you will make a great father, so I do not need to tell you.

[A quiet laugh at that before he more firmly kisses her in return.]

I suppose I do have the advantage of experience. Though I do sometimes wonder and question if some of the decisions I made with Mid while growing up were the best ones.

It isn't just experience...

[She mumbles it under her breath as she nuzzles close, but when she looks at him, her lashes tickle his cheek.]

But what do you mean?

[There's just a light smile as he continues to hold her close.]

If there was one thing I regretted, it was not being there as much as I wanted. And...having to prioritize my own mission over her.

[There's a light stroke of his fingertips because he knows those words are going to cut deep for her, too. It wasn't just Mid he had left behind, but her, too.]

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