escordvi | closed ⚡🪶 and forevermore, i'll be chasing the storm we had.

[Her whole arm stiffens when his hand clasps around it, and she doesn't whip around to look at him lest he see the bitter, confused look on her face. Or the hurt when he calls her that.]

What? Have you not already finished?

[For a moment his grip tightens before it loosens enough where her arm will fall and he rubs his hand over his face... And the coarse hairs of his beard.]

No—I mean, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant.

[She schools her expression, steels it before she affords him a look over her shoulder.]

Is it not? I thought you made yourself pretty clear that you don't need me here.

[Doesn't need... whatever this is. It's a horrible attempt, she knows, but... what else is she supposed to do? Pat him on the head and tell him things are going to be fine? That would be a lie because clearly things are not fine right now. Hug him and say that it's okay? No, because he needs a goddamn shower.

But no one had ever taught Benedikta how to... do that. How to console people. Her heart is far too stung to feel empathy for anyone, including him, so all she can offer is the cold hard truth.

And perhaps a steady hand to trim that god-awful beard. Maybe even a distraction, should he want it.

Really, all she wanted was to make sure that he wasn't dead. That he was okay. Alive. Living. And when she found him like this...]

[Right, her attitude is definitely not helping—but only because his own attitude isn't helping him see or think clearly. At the end of the day, no matter what he thinks—]

—You were right.

[A begrudging admission said with a sigh. Maybe he's "fine" in some ways, but clearly he isn't in others. He's not that much of a fool to not have at least noticed how things were piling up and his own unkempt appearance. The problem he just didn't care about it, because who was he going to see in this state? No one, if he could help it.

And he was...better in the earlier days when people dropped by before. Benedikta just had the misfortune in seeing how time and everything piled up.]

I...

[And it's then when perhaps all his fatigue and slight malnourished condition catches up to him, with a bit of poor timing he would think. He staggers then, his vision swimming a little as he feels that lightheaded dizziness as he instinctively reaches out to grab something to steady himself.]

[She hears his hand fumbling for something, and that's when Benedikta turns around just in time to spot him teetering on his feet.]

For fuck's sake, Cidolfus...

[With a click of her tongue and a sharp groan under her breath, she reaches out to catch him before he can stumble and fall completely, her arms wrapping around him in a stiff, awkward hug.]

When was the last time you slept?

[A small groan as he ends up having to momentarily lean into her before he tries to right himself on his own.]

I had a nap earlier.

["Nap." "Earlier."]

[She isn't going to let him right himself on his own, and instead, she will readjust them both so that his arm is draped over her shoulders. Fuck, she's forgotten how heavy he is and her knees buckle momentarily before she's dragging him away from the bathroom doorway and someplace safer before he slips.]

That isn't what I asked.

[Slept. Properly.]

Where is the bed?

[Because surely, if he had a nap earlier, that means there's got to be one here somewhere?]

[Seeing as how protesting is useless, he just sighs and at least manages to put some of his weight off her.]

Over there, room down the hall.

[She'll drag him over there if she has to, but fortunately, it won't have to come to that. Instead, Benedikta will guide him that way, glad that he can at least move his legs enough that she isn't bearing all of his weight. There's still a worried look beneath the frown as she brings him right up to the bed...

...

And drops him unceremoniously onto it.]

You're going to sleep and I will not hear otherwise.

[And onto the bed he flops with a moaning groan, though he can't really complain. It's only when he's on it does he feel the aches and fatigue he's accumulated over the past few days, and he rolls onto the back with a hand over his eyes.]

What, gonna chain me to the bed so I don't escape?

[She sits down beside him, heaving a sigh before looking him over with something softer bleeding into the edges of her expression.]

Is that what it will take?

[A rough laugh before it turns into a sigh.]

...No.

[He hates to admit it, but he really does feel as if a ship just ran over him. He knew he had driven himself hard over the past few days, but... It was only now did he really feel it.

Or, rather, forced to acknowledge it.]

Good.

[She leans back on her hand first, looking him over...

...

... Before she's shifting closer. Closer to where his head rests on the pillow. Close enough that she can bring that hand to his hair instead and comb her fingers through it. Unlike the last time she'd done this, it isn't to mess it up but to put it all back into its rightful place.]

But I will make do if I have to. So I suggest you take it as you are.

Edited 2024-01-05 07:02 (UTC)

[He stiffens for a moment, mostly because he's surprised by the feel of her touch at his head. Slowly he lowers his arm away from his eyes and looks up at her, his expression mixed with confusion and...really he's not sure what he's feeling.]

You really plan on staying to play watch on me?

[Is what he says. What he really wanted to know if she just wanted to...stay with him at all, but he knows she wouldn't answer that, so he twists it around instead. Either way, that disbelief in his eyes will still remain.]

[She knows very well what he's asking with that play on his words. Perhaps it's because he's tired that his disbelief gives him away, but it doesn't deter her. Her fingers just continue to fiddle with his hair, combing small locks of it where they should be.]

I didn't say that.

[But perhaps her own mix of frustration and fatigue helps to give her away too.]

... We'll see whether you listen.

[Another careful gaze before he just gives up and closes his eyes with a small huff.]

Maybe I'd sleep better if you joined me.

Now you want me to stick around?

[She's not making any signs of moving from where she is, however, but her fingers have stopped combing through his hair to watch him, now that his eyes are closed.]

[There's just a small stretch of silence, and his lips start to part as if to say something, but they stiffen for just a fraction of a second before he turns his head slightly away, eyes still closed before he answers with something else.]

Didn't mean it that way.

[Well, whatever it is he meant, it doesn't really matter in the end. He'd said those things, and it still stings, but that should be the least of his worries. Or hers. It shouldn't have stung at all, if she's honest.]

Just get some sleep, Cidolfus.

[Whether she stays or not is something she will decide, and he can find that out when he wakes up.]

[No, what he wanted to say wouldn't have mattered...

...

Or rather, he had no right to say it to her of all people.

Don't go, he had wanted to say. Don't leave.

Stay here.

Really, how could he say any of that right now when she had begged him once and he left her, anyway? It's why he ended up turning away and swallowing the words and emotions that threatened to escape.

It wasn't just the sadness of losing Mid again that unexpectedly hit him hard. It was also the unexpected loneliness that followed, to no longer hear her voice and see her smile again with the awareness that he wouldn't be able to do so again. To not be able to at least say that last goodbye. It's a bit silly in some sense—he had sent her to Kanver, away from him once before to better her life, and he had gone through the "empty nest" syndrome once already. But back then, there was always the expectation he would see her again, that he would at least get her letters whenever she remembered to write them. Here...this was it. There are no more expectations.

And this feeling is returning towards Benedikta, which again he knows he has no right to. But perhaps because he's in a much more vulnerable mindset, the idea of her leaving him again, of disappearing into the aether before he could tell her everything scares him a bit. Scares him in a way it shouldn't, and he knows it shouldn't, so he just tries to bury it like with all the rest and not let her see it.

So does he want her to stay? Does he want her to go? He doesn't know anymore. Which is why he won't say anything, but...

...

When his hand bumps against hers on the bed, there will be a moment of hesitation before he takes it, holding onto it. He's going to be like her for now and instead of saying what he wants or feels, he'll use his actions instead.

An action that may come off a little weakly, for not too much longer after that she'll feel that strength leave him as he soon succumbs to the exhaustion that's been clinging to him, practically passing out to sleep.]

Edited 2024-01-05 16:23 (UTC)

[It's surprising, him reaching around her hand to hold it. She isn't expecting it, and she's not sure how to feel about it, and so she says nothing at all. Nor does she move to pull away—not yet, anyway—and allows him to do so, her fingers locking gently with his. Loose enough that she can slip out of his grasp if she needs to. And as he starts to doze off, his breathing evening out and all of his muscles drooping with exhaustion, she watches him, still combing back his hair in idle motions without much thought to them anymore.

When he finally yields to the sleep that comes for him is when Benedikta finally pulls her hand free, and as she continues to stare down at him, she sighs.]

I hope you know how stupid you can be, you old man...

[It's said gently, quietly, beneath her breath. It's only as she's absolutely certain that he is fast asleep that she brushes her fingers along his jaw, frowning again at how long he's let his beard grow, up beneath his eyes where the dark circles reside, over his forehead where the wrinkles have grown deep from his concentration, and then one more brush back of his hair.]

... You'd rather go back to her, wouldn't you?

[She can understand why he would be torn up about it. Having to choose a life here with her, or a life back in Valisthea with Midadol. Why he would choose this one with her when he has a daughter back home as well as all those people—his causes that he cared enough about to leave her the first time—she has no idea. She would be lying if she said she wasn't upset about it, though. Paired with him pushing her away, questioning her reasons for even being here...

... He would leave her again, wouldn't he?

Perhaps it's better that she does leave. That she leaves him to his own devices to handle this on his own, as he claimed he could. Surely there are others better suited to take care of him that aren't her? People who know him better for the man that he is now, people who know how to empathize, how to care for someone... Someone that isn't her.

She should go. She's at least managed this much and surely she can leave the rest to his proper family? To his proper crew?

Benedikta makes her way to the door, even gets as far as turning off the lights, her hand just about to reach the handle when she stops, as if her feet refuse to carry her any further to the threshold of his workshop. She glances back to the bedroom, then around...]

...

Fuck.

[A low curse as she turns on her heel and stalks back into the workshop.

Whenever Cid does wake up, he won't find Benedikta at his side where he had left her, but a glance around even his room will tell her that she had been through it. Tidied it up. Reorganized his things until they were where she thought they should be.

A further look will reveal a blonde head of hair at the opposite end of the bed, where Benedikta has found a spot on the floor... and dozed off herself...]

[How long sleeps, he doesn't know. The moment that darkness overtook him, everything else just faded out of existence, and he was in such a deep, dreamless sleep that he had no idea what all Benedikta was up to. But when he does awaken, it takes him a few moments to get his bearings. Where he was, what he had been doing, and most of all—the silence.

And when he slowly sits up and looks down at his hand, he remembers the warmth that used to be there and how cold it is now. Fingers curling into a fist, he can only grin ruefully to himself.

Of course.

He can't be disappointed when he partly expected it, especially after how he treated her earlier and how she seems to be less inclined to stick around. So he just slowly runs a hand through his hair, idly rubs that terrible scruff on his chin as he glances around the room. It takes him a moment to see that things have changed... ...With some things in places they shouldn't, but overall he can tell it's been organized and cleaned up. Knowing there's only one person who could do that, he can't help but smile a little more sadly now.

Aaah.... He really fucked up. He should call her, try and apologize...

But just as he's about to roll off the bed and stand, he finally catches a glimpse of that blond hair peeking out from beyond the bed. He stiffens then, not sure he can quite believe it before he slowly crouches and moves so that he's leaning over the end of the bed and looking at her in some surprise.]

...So you decided to stay.

[There's just a gently brush of his fingertips over her hair and against her cheek as a conflicted expression forms.]

You shouldn't have.

[He didn't deserve whatever she was trying to do here...and the way she's sitting here on the floor...why? She could have at least used a chair.]

[She only barely stirs, whether it's from the sound of his voice or his movements or from a natural need to adjust, who knows... Granted, the position she's in leaves much to be desired, and she'll likely feel it later when she stands.

There's just a small sigh that tumbles out of her, something of a groan, and her head bobs. She tries to keep it straight, but it only flops back against the edge of the bed instead as she goes right back to sleep.]

[He stiffens when she starts to stir, thinking she'll wake...

...

But when she just bobs her head back instead, he can't help the small chuckle that escapes him, finding it a bit cute. But it's also clear that he can't leave her like this.

So he'll quietly stand from the bed and crouch down to carefully and gently pick her up in his arms so he can move her over to the bed instead.]

[It's when she feels herself being moved, lifting up off the ground that she realizes what's going on, or that she had fallen asleep at all. With her tucked against his chest and his arms holding her up, she grumbles something sleepy and incoherent before her eyes blink open, or try to, and she's immediately met with the strong scent of his cigars that answers the question of where she is and what's happening.]

...Cidolfus...

[She barely registers that she's said his name at all as a hand comes up to rub her eyes gently, looking very much like she had those many nights she fell asleep over her books in Waloed.]

You're awake.

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