escordvi | closed 🪶⚡ i'll be the light to lead you home

Likely the same purpose as Ultima—weaken my resolve, hope that I would succumb to despair.

[A rough, short voice as he glares off somewhere in the distance before it all seems to fade like a candle blown in the wind.]

For a moment, it almost did.

[It feels like something is crushing her right now, and all she can do is lean in and press a kiss to the corner of his lips, hoping that it will soothe some of that ire and frustration and hopelessness that they both seem to be sharing in right now.]

I can only guess what was said to you, but... was it Ramuh who had broken you free of it?

[It's a question disguised as another question, a hopeful line forming over her lips.]

[This time her kiss does help soothe him a bit, and he looks at her for a moment before he leans in closer, arms going around her for a tight embrace as if seeking more of her as an anchor.]

...Somewhat.

[There's something of a conflicted expression there.]

Perhaps he was testing me, or he really had been suppressed by the ghost as well. But I was finally able to feel him pushing his aether into me, as if trying to jolt me back to reality. I'm not sure when it was for you, but that was when I able to start fighting back more fully.

And it was with his help that I was able to overpower the ghost long enough to control my body again.

[Yet he doesn't sound so happy about it. If anything he sounds resigned, regretful.]

[She thinks she knows why he harbours that resignation. He never was the sort to want to rely on his Eikon for anything, and having to see him admit that it had been a part of why he was able to free himself makes her heart hurt. Even as someone who had relied on her own for far too long, sometimes they do not give them a choice.

At that, however, she looks away from him, ashamed.]

I... I fear she might have managed to get into my head. I do not know if what I was seeing was a result of my own visions, or perhaps exhaustion, but...

[She hides in his neck, allowing herself to relax into that embrace.]

It was not until you had managed to gain control that... I could do something.

[He hugs her closer, knowing full well what she's feeling.]

It was difficult, I know. She was using what I knew about you... [A sigh.] I'm sorry.

[There is a pause, a silence that stretches for longer than it truly is.]

... You do not believe any of those things, do you?

What, about the things she was saying about me?

[However, with the way he answers in that tired, resigned way still is likely answer enough.]

[That response is a little surprising, though it should not be... Not with the way that he answers her. It makes her shift in his arms so that she can look at him from where she rests against his shoulder.]

I had meant about me, but...

[Her fingers graze over his chin, trying to turn him to look at her.]

That as well.

[There's a small look of surprise of his own.]

About you? No, I don't. She was only pulling from my memories...

[Although when he does think about some of it, he can't help but grimace a little.]

And perhaps I may have had some thoughts or opinions at one time or another.

[Which is only natural, given what happened.]

[She knew, but it still does not make her heart break any less. She knows better now, though, than to let it get to her too much...]

I know.

[It's soft and defeated, but her arms tighten around him anyway.]

She thought that what I wanted was for Barnabas in your body... She called me weak. Pathetic... That I could not save you.

[The first part he winces again because...that part he might have believed at one point. But then at that second part, his expression completely changes.]

Now that I did not believe.

[Unlike before, his words come out with no hesitation and is adamant, almost angry at the idea that that was what she heard...and coming from his mouth, hells.]

I knew you would have trouble, but I never once believed you wouldn't be able to find the strength and save me. Those were her words, not mine.

[Even if there is no hesitation, she feels a twinge in her heart, a small seed of doubt being planted there. Or perhaps it already had been, and this had only made it fester.]

I just did not want to hurt you... Not again.

[The words spill out of her so fast that she can't stop herself, as if she needs to explain why she had so much trouble doing what needed to be done.]

It was as if she knew what I was most afraid of...

[An aggravated sigh as he hugs her closer.]

Only because I knew what you were afraid of. Dammit, if only I had gotten rid of that damned ghost sooner—

Cidolfus...

[When he pulls her closer, she kisses him firmly, like she means to take all of those words right out of his mouth, out of his thoughts, and banish them away.]

It is not your fault. You know that, yes?

[Again the kiss does both to comfort and make him feel more guilty, wanting to accept but finding himself rejecting it, as if finding himself not worthy of accepting her comforts now.]

Just as you know it wasn't yours?

[He can't help but stare hard at her in return, because they both know they will think otherwise—that they both weren't able to do enough, that they wouldn't blame the other and only themselves.]

[She pulls back when she feels that hesitation to accept it, her eyes filled with a hurt as she searches his face.]

... You did not answer me.

[Her forehead presses to his, and she breathes out a sigh against his lips, so very close yet feeling so far right now.]

It is hard to accept that... but are you not always the one reminding me that we cannot dwell on these things?

[He closes his eyes, knowing he's hurting her but it's so very hard when he feels so undeserving, so...weak.

Hah.]

I still should have been able to do this. At least be able to have taken back my own body sooner. And for this to be the second time...!

[Her hand takes his, threading their fingers together securely and tightly.]

Were it not for you pulling through it, I might not have been able to do it myself, Cidolfus.

[It does hurt. To think he believes himself undeserving when she most wants to give it to him, when she thinks he is most deserving of it stings, and it makes her hold him that much tighter, like he might run away if she lets him go.]

And gods only know where we might be now instead if you did not.

[She frowns.]

She had gotten into my head. [And it certainly does not help that they had recently just faced Ultima, who said all the same things.] ... That all I ever do is hurt or destroy things.

[He takes a breath and he looks at her. He's still wallowing in his own failings, but just like she's trying to push him, he also wants to push her out of that black pit.]

Do you still believe that now?

[It's a place that they can climb out of together. Another burden to share, even if it is not one that either of them wish to carry.

She winces at his question, the answer immediately coming to her even if there is a small pause in between.]

... Perhaps I do, a little.

[But could he blame her for thinking so, and for being afraid? She could not figure out a way to save him from that soul without hurting him, and all of the other times, she has done the same. She has destroyed, just like the wind slowly destroys the things that it touches, weathers it away until it's turned to dust.]

How many times have you been hurt because of me? Indirectly or by my hand?

And how many times have you saved me with both?

[His hand moves to cradle her face as he musters the strength to push through his own failings because he knows he can at least do this.]

All the times your wind has caught me, soothed me, healed me... When Ultima tried to get in my head, I felt your winds and was reminded of what we had. And even when you were trying to attack the ghost inside me, your winds reminded me of what I needed to fight for and empowered me.

And ultimately, your winds is what destroyed that ghost, wasn't it? To save me.

[Surely he does not think he can hide away from his feelings in hers? Not forever. She gives him a look that says as much as his hand cradles her face. She is just as worried about him still, and he can't very well help her out of this hole she's fallen into if he remains at the bottom of it.]

But you were still hurt.

[She shifts beside him, moving closer, tangling their legs together until there is not an inch of space left between them. There, her lips press together and her brow pinches into a deep frown.]

And that seems to be all I am good for these days, isn't it... Claw at things until they are destroyed. [She scoffs at herself.] Why, of all the times, does this bother me now?

[Maybe—]

Because you want to change, and that's not a bad thing.

... Change is difficult.

[Even now, when she has someone to take her by the hand and guide her through it. She remains ever stubborn in some ways, but she had been so set in her ways for so long that even when she wants to change something, it does not prove to be so easy.]

You have rubbed off on me far too much.

[It is said fondly, with a soft brush of her nose against his.]

I just do not want what Ultima said to be the truth of it. I do not want him to be right about me. About us...

[Because what does a god know?]

But more than that, I... I am tired of seeing you be hurt on my account. [Anger rises in her like bile in the back of her throat, and for half a second, she lets it get the best of her.] Founders, I could not even heal you today, Cidolfus...

But you tried.

[His voice is soft as his hand sweeps through her hair, his lips brushing against hers.]

And you used everything you had.

[And yes he knows his own words could be applied to himself.]

And regardless what you think, I still trust and believe in you. [A regretful smile.] Just like you do in me.

I really would not be here without you, Benna.

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