Who: Cidolfus Telamon & Benedikta Harman. Status: Closed. Where: The Roost, The Farplane. What: Cid and Benedikta move to a new house in the Roost. Event stuff later. Warnings: The usual. :)
[He should have expected it, really, and there's just a muffled sound of protest as he leans back slightly due to the force. And when he gazes at her then, she'll see that heavy weight of emotion in his eyes, that rare vulnerability as those doubts and guilt continue to swirl within.
He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
[It's a rare thing, this vulnerability that she sees, but she reaches for it. Clings to it in the moments that he shows it because it means that he trusts her enough to show it. Because it means that she can find those deeper parts of him at all when he so often closes them off and hides them. She waits for him to speak, her gaze meeting his even if it might mean that she will drown in those same feelings... the same guilt and doubts that she harbours reflected in his own.
Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
[He feels like a fool for making her worry for him this way, to have her work so hard to try and support him as she is. It's like imagining a little bird trying to lift a heavy weight, delicate wings flapping with all her might. How fearful herself is feeling, yet pushing so hard for his sake. Their sake.
His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
[She feels an ache all throughout her, but the ones in her muscles and her tired bones is nothing compared to the ache in her heart as his lips take hers. She can feel it all bleeding through his lips and into her, taking that comfort and the warmth that she tries so hard to give. She finds some of it for herself too, taking solace in knowing that they share so many of the same feelings. They might not exactly be good, but there is something about having someone to share that burden with... Something that she never had before, and something that she could not be for someone else.
All she wanted... all she has ever wanted...
To be loved so much that her mere presence is enough...
It's still such a new feeling for her, but one that she embraces and holds onto like it is her lifeline. He is her lifeline.
She kisses him again, softer this time, but it bears all of the same passion and love and weight as the others.]
[He breaths against her like a sigh as he savors the warmth and her taste, her presence before his head falls so that it rests against the crook of her neck.]
You've had it far worse than I... And just like you said, you can share it all with me.
[Is what he ends up saying, but a part of him may be a little afraid that this is all too much for her and she'll want to run away instead. Or she becomes more stressed and he harms her that way.]
[And this must be what it feels like when she tries to deflect and steer the conversation away from her own feelings when they are the focus... She is all too familiar with this tactic, and she is of the same mind—she does not wish to dwell on her own right now. It is her own feelings that she wants to run from, not his.
She won't let him run from his so easily. Not tonight.]
It is not too much. Yours... It is my own that can be. But I want to share in yours.
[A low sigh as he does recognize he's acting just like she does...and in some ways it also turns that sigh into a small laugh as he nuzzles against her neck.]
You've always been my greatest weakness, Benedikta.
[His arms tighten around her as his eyes close, inhaling her scent.]
But you've also become my greatest strength. Thank you.
[She nudges the side of his head with her nose and kisses him, and as the next words leave her, there is no holding back the slight tremble in her voice, no matter how quiet or soft it is.]
I owe you so much, Cidolfus. You think you have failed the world, or me, yet... you continue to try so very hard here.
[Her arms tighten around him.]
I want you to rest sometimes. To lean on me as I have been afforded from you.
[Feeling her gaze, he'll lift his own face to meet hers. Although those deeper emotions remain, there is a lightness that's returned so that the small smile he wears is not an empty one.]
[She is hesitant to answer, even if they both know and felt where they had been only a year ago. It's not as if it's anything new, but it's still difficult for her to bring up with him especially. Difficult to even look back on it and not be upset about how long it took for them to finally reach for one another. For her to finally reach out to him...]
I was afraid, Cidolfus.
[Her voice finally comes to her again, and her arms hold him tighter, like she's afraid that if she doesn't, he will turn and leave her for saying it.]
I didn't know... didn't trust that you would catch me if I fell so hard.
[Those months before they finally reconciled and the regret that comes with it are something that will never, ever leave her, and she feels it so much more right now.]
... I should hope that your reasons are not the same?
No...not quite...though perhaps it may ring similar in some ways.
[A small exhale.]
For so long I only kept things to myself, so that already made it difficult to want to put a burden on anyone else. But for you...
[His eyes flit to hers.]
I was afraid that it would be too much. That it would...crush you and scare you off. You had already been through so much because of me, I didn't want to hurt you anymore.
[Hearing this, a part of her can't help but wonder if Ultima knew this and forced them to see all of these things because he knew that it would gnaw at them from the inside long after he was gone.]
You know... it hurts just as much when you keep me out simply because you are afraid you might frighten me.
[She brings her hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at her when he opens his eyes. Filling his vision so that he will see nothing but the promise that fills every one of her features.]
You know that I will not run from you. Not anymore.
[Not just because she is afraid of what will happen if she does, not because she is afraid of being alone again, but because she does not want to. Because she wants to stay by his side.]
And I will remind you a hundred times over until you understand that. [A small laugh against his lips.] And you know me... I am not a patient woman.
[A small smile forms at that along with a quiet laugh of his own.]
Aye, I know that very well.
[His gaze then softens.]
But you've done well to remind me so far. Difficult as it may be, I do know...and I do believe in you. I wouldn't have told you so much as I have if I didn't otherwise.
[She presses a kiss to the center of his brow, and then to the tip of his nose, and he'll feel her fingers skim lightly over his skin, over those same scars she has been revering since they lay back down in bed.]
... Because I do not want you living with that god in your head for any longer.
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He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
I know you're right... You are, just...
[It's hard.]
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Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
... What can I do, Cidolfus?
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His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
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All she wanted... all she has ever wanted...
To be loved so much that her mere presence is enough...
It's still such a new feeling for her, but one that she embraces and holds onto like it is her lifeline. He is her lifeline.
She kisses him again, softer this time, but it bears all of the same passion and love and weight as the others.]
... Is it enough?
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[He breaths against her like a sigh as he savors the warmth and her taste, her presence before his head falls so that it rests against the crook of her neck.]
...Is it too much?
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Too much?
[Her head lifts to peer down at him.]
For me?
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You've had it far worse than I... And just like you said, you can share it all with me.
[Is what he ends up saying, but a part of him may be a little afraid that this is all too much for her and she'll want to run away instead. Or she becomes more stressed and he harms her that way.]
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She won't let him run from his so easily. Not tonight.]
It is not too much. Yours... It is my own that can be. But I want to share in yours.
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You've always been my greatest weakness, Benedikta.
[His arms tighten around her as his eyes close, inhaling her scent.]
But you've also become my greatest strength. Thank you.
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[She nudges the side of his head with her nose and kisses him, and as the next words leave her, there is no holding back the slight tremble in her voice, no matter how quiet or soft it is.]
I owe you so much, Cidolfus. You think you have failed the world, or me, yet... you continue to try so very hard here.
[Her arms tighten around him.]
I want you to rest sometimes. To lean on me as I have been afforded from you.
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[A more self-deprecating laugh at that.]
But it is getting a little easier.
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... To lean on me?
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[Feeling her gaze, he'll lift his own face to meet hers. Although those deeper emotions remain, there is a lightness that's returned so that the small smile he wears is not an empty one.]
I imagine it's similar to how it was for you.
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[There's a nervousness to her voice, the slightest tremble that she tries to mask as her own insecurities come rearing their head again.]
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[His lips brush against her cheek as he moves closer to her.]
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I was afraid, Cidolfus.
[Her voice finally comes to her again, and her arms hold him tighter, like she's afraid that if she doesn't, he will turn and leave her for saying it.]
I didn't know... didn't trust that you would catch me if I fell so hard.
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I had a feeling it was something like that...nor can I blame you.
[With the way things ended between them and how he left her, it's no surprise she wouldn't be able to have much trust or faith with him before.]
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... I should hope that your reasons are not the same?
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No...not quite...though perhaps it may ring similar in some ways.
[A small exhale.]
For so long I only kept things to myself, so that already made it difficult to want to put a burden on anyone else. But for you...
[His eyes flit to hers.]
I was afraid that it would be too much. That it would...crush you and scare you off. You had already been through so much because of me, I didn't want to hurt you anymore.
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You know... it hurts just as much when you keep me out simply because you are afraid you might frighten me.
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I know. And I know it's hypocritical of me when I try to have you do the same.
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You know that I will not run from you. Not anymore.
[Not just because she is afraid of what will happen if she does, not because she is afraid of being alone again, but because she does not want to. Because she wants to stay by his side.]
And I will remind you a hundred times over until you understand that. [A small laugh against his lips.] And you know me... I am not a patient woman.
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Aye, I know that very well.
[His gaze then softens.]
But you've done well to remind me so far. Difficult as it may be, I do know...and I do believe in you. I wouldn't have told you so much as I have if I didn't otherwise.
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[She presses a kiss to the center of his brow, and then to the tip of his nose, and he'll feel her fingers skim lightly over his skin, over those same scars she has been revering since they lay back down in bed.]
... Because I do not want you living with that god in your head for any longer.
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[His lips briefly meet hers before his hand slowly runs up her spine to her shoulders, his expression falling a bit.]
But what of you?
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💚💜 fin.