escordvi | closed 🪶⚡ i'll be the light to lead you home

[She takes his wrist and gently pulls his hand away from his face so that she can see him.]

That is when it happened...? I'd wondered. You had started to act a little strange, but I thought that perhaps it was because you were tired. You—

[She pauses.]

They had insisted that you were fine.

[A grimace at that, and while he lets her move his hand away, he doesn't quite look at her.]

It was like... The last time.

[There's disgust and frustration at that.]

I had no idea what was going on, just this... Experience of floating in some cold, black void. Only this time it was more... Sinister. I couldn't move, like something was tying me down. It wasn't until I felt a jolt that I was able to "see" that woman who had taken over.

At that point it was almost like seeing Ultima all over again... The way her form kept shifting and changing to people I knew and then something else. The way she could read all my memories, my... History.

[He looks at her then, wearily.]

That must be how she could try to act like me.

[Her fingers continue to move in gentle, soothing movements over the lines of his face, the other over the back of his hand, while she listens to him carefully, her expression tightening the more he tells her.]

She had tried... but something was off. I only wish I had realized what it was sooner... that I had listened to my instincts.

[She is going to blame herself for that in the many days, weeks, months to come. It likely could have been avoided or fixed sooner before they had to go through all of that if she had.]

It was not just you that she had tried to act like, either...

[He looks at her then.]

What?

[She presses her lips together as she looks at him, before they part around a sigh. She knows she likely does not have to given everything now, but she still chooses her words carefully.]

She had attempted to use Barnabas against me, too. She must have been able to see deep into your memories, or perhaps... your feelings.

[A pause.]

It did not work, but... it was as though she were pulling everything about him from your memories. His personality and mannerisms. Tried to use them.

[His expression gradually darkens as she speaks before it ends with utter revulsion at the idea of himself acting like Barnabas. And to use it against her? A sickening weight churns in his stomach as he then recalls everything else that happened.]

If that's what happened...then that makes what I saw have a little more sense. Throughout that time I was trapped she acted like Ultima, telling me everything about my life like some kind of judge, and there was a point when she appeared like Barnabas to taunt me further. Perhaps that's when it happened to you.

[Another aggravated sigh and run of his hand over his face.]

I mostly ignored it, trying to tap into my powers or anything I could use—I could feel Ramuh with me, but it was if he remained dormant. I was also at a crossroads because I also knew she was trying to use it as well, so once I was able to break free somewhat I had to fight to keep that under control.

What...?

[She lifts her head up a little, horrified disbelief on her face.]

She taunted you, too?

[Something vengeful flashes through her eyes, anger flaring and making her heart rattle in her chest. She had destroyed that soul, or so she thinks, but perhaps she had deserved a far more gruesome death than that. Something slow and far more brutal is what she deserved.]

I do not know what she was trying to accomplish with that... it would only serve to anger anyone.

[And it worked on that front.]

Likely the same purpose as Ultima—weaken my resolve, hope that I would succumb to despair.

[A rough, short voice as he glares off somewhere in the distance before it all seems to fade like a candle blown in the wind.]

For a moment, it almost did.

[It feels like something is crushing her right now, and all she can do is lean in and press a kiss to the corner of his lips, hoping that it will soothe some of that ire and frustration and hopelessness that they both seem to be sharing in right now.]

I can only guess what was said to you, but... was it Ramuh who had broken you free of it?

[It's a question disguised as another question, a hopeful line forming over her lips.]

[This time her kiss does help soothe him a bit, and he looks at her for a moment before he leans in closer, arms going around her for a tight embrace as if seeking more of her as an anchor.]

...Somewhat.

[There's something of a conflicted expression there.]

Perhaps he was testing me, or he really had been suppressed by the ghost as well. But I was finally able to feel him pushing his aether into me, as if trying to jolt me back to reality. I'm not sure when it was for you, but that was when I able to start fighting back more fully.

And it was with his help that I was able to overpower the ghost long enough to control my body again.

[Yet he doesn't sound so happy about it. If anything he sounds resigned, regretful.]

[She thinks she knows why he harbours that resignation. He never was the sort to want to rely on his Eikon for anything, and having to see him admit that it had been a part of why he was able to free himself makes her heart hurt. Even as someone who had relied on her own for far too long, sometimes they do not give them a choice.

At that, however, she looks away from him, ashamed.]

I... I fear she might have managed to get into my head. I do not know if what I was seeing was a result of my own visions, or perhaps exhaustion, but...

[She hides in his neck, allowing herself to relax into that embrace.]

It was not until you had managed to gain control that... I could do something.

[He hugs her closer, knowing full well what she's feeling.]

It was difficult, I know. She was using what I knew about you... [A sigh.] I'm sorry.

[There is a pause, a silence that stretches for longer than it truly is.]

... You do not believe any of those things, do you?

What, about the things she was saying about me?

[However, with the way he answers in that tired, resigned way still is likely answer enough.]

[That response is a little surprising, though it should not be... Not with the way that he answers her. It makes her shift in his arms so that she can look at him from where she rests against his shoulder.]

I had meant about me, but...

[Her fingers graze over his chin, trying to turn him to look at her.]

That as well.

[There's a small look of surprise of his own.]

About you? No, I don't. She was only pulling from my memories...

[Although when he does think about some of it, he can't help but grimace a little.]

And perhaps I may have had some thoughts or opinions at one time or another.

[Which is only natural, given what happened.]

[She knew, but it still does not make her heart break any less. She knows better now, though, than to let it get to her too much...]

I know.

[It's soft and defeated, but her arms tighten around him anyway.]

She thought that what I wanted was for Barnabas in your body... She called me weak. Pathetic... That I could not save you.

[The first part he winces again because...that part he might have believed at one point. But then at that second part, his expression completely changes.]

Now that I did not believe.

[Unlike before, his words come out with no hesitation and is adamant, almost angry at the idea that that was what she heard...and coming from his mouth, hells.]

I knew you would have trouble, but I never once believed you wouldn't be able to find the strength and save me. Those were her words, not mine.

[Even if there is no hesitation, she feels a twinge in her heart, a small seed of doubt being planted there. Or perhaps it already had been, and this had only made it fester.]

I just did not want to hurt you... Not again.

[The words spill out of her so fast that she can't stop herself, as if she needs to explain why she had so much trouble doing what needed to be done.]

It was as if she knew what I was most afraid of...

[An aggravated sigh as he hugs her closer.]

Only because I knew what you were afraid of. Dammit, if only I had gotten rid of that damned ghost sooner—

Cidolfus...

[When he pulls her closer, she kisses him firmly, like she means to take all of those words right out of his mouth, out of his thoughts, and banish them away.]

It is not your fault. You know that, yes?

[Again the kiss does both to comfort and make him feel more guilty, wanting to accept but finding himself rejecting it, as if finding himself not worthy of accepting her comforts now.]

Just as you know it wasn't yours?

[He can't help but stare hard at her in return, because they both know they will think otherwise—that they both weren't able to do enough, that they wouldn't blame the other and only themselves.]

[She pulls back when she feels that hesitation to accept it, her eyes filled with a hurt as she searches his face.]

... You did not answer me.

[Her forehead presses to his, and she breathes out a sigh against his lips, so very close yet feeling so far right now.]

It is hard to accept that... but are you not always the one reminding me that we cannot dwell on these things?

[He closes his eyes, knowing he's hurting her but it's so very hard when he feels so undeserving, so...weak.

Hah.]

I still should have been able to do this. At least be able to have taken back my own body sooner. And for this to be the second time...!

[Her hand takes his, threading their fingers together securely and tightly.]

Were it not for you pulling through it, I might not have been able to do it myself, Cidolfus.

[It does hurt. To think he believes himself undeserving when she most wants to give it to him, when she thinks he is most deserving of it stings, and it makes her hold him that much tighter, like he might run away if she lets him go.]

And gods only know where we might be now instead if you did not.

[She frowns.]

She had gotten into my head. [And it certainly does not help that they had recently just faced Ultima, who said all the same things.] ... That all I ever do is hurt or destroy things.

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