Who: Cidolfus Telamon & Benedikta Harman. Status: Closed. Where: The Roost, The Farplane. What: Cid and Benedikta move to a new house in the Roost. Event stuff later. Warnings: The usual. :)
[Another soft press of her lips to his skin, this time tracing over the center of it.]
Is this overwhelming you?
[There is a smile behind the tender glint in her eyes. Yes, this is very much what it feels like when he showers her with love and reassurances. She never quite knows what to do with herself when it does become overwhelming, and when she is the one being crushed under that weight.
But she will say... It does feel nice to be on the other side of that.]
Cidolfus, all I want... is for you to know that these scars...those memories...
[She pauses and searches for his hand, lacing her fingers with his.]
[His once relaxing body stiffens at that, and it takes a moment before he releases a breath.]
Then what do they mean?
[He's not really seeking an answer...he thinks he knows. But he wants to hear what she thinks since he does sometimes see them as reminders of what he couldn't do or stopping short of his goals.]
[She had a feeling that he would ask, and so she meets his eyes evenly, a flame lighting hers. Still, she continues to worship them with her lips and her fingers, and still, he continues to doubt himself. There is not a doubt of her own that this will continue to plague him in the months, years, eternities to come, and perhaps there is not much she can do about that, but that does not mean she will simply give up.]
They mean that you tried, and you fought, and still... you are alive to tell the tales of them.
[And while that may not mean much given their ends in Valisthea, she thinks now—because of him—that it should mean something here.
She pauses, trying to choose her next thought carefully.]
I do not know if I have ever said to you what it means that you kept your promise...
[Her words do resonate with him, even if it make take some time for him to fully commit to it. At the very least, he can believe in it a bit more, especially since he's certain he's told others or heard similar elsewhere.
Reminders that he tried, fought, and still alive.
True it may not mean much back in their world, but here...
A reminder of that second chance.
When he looks at her, that kind of thinking is easier to believe, and really, a part of him wants to believe in it. While it's a blessing that he doesn't dwell on those failures, those still exist in those dark recesses of the mind, ready to crop up should he become vulnerable again. If he could believe in her words, then it would be far easier to fight back against those thoughts, to not let himself be so vulnerable.
A vulnerability that will be pricked again when she mentions the promise.]
[She recalls on his words earlier, about how he felt he'd lost a big part of the reason he'd done everything after she'd died. Sadness creeps into her expression, and she runs her finger idly along both of the scars now, watching as it glides over the raised lines on his skin while she thinks. The silence is anything but heavy on her part, but she still breaks it with a soft sigh.]
Everything.
[The word tumbles out of her first, like a breath of relief.
It meant everything to her knowing that he'd kept that promise, or that he'd even remembered it from all those years ago. Even if it had torn them apart at one point, she has been trying not to look at it that way.]
These are proof that you had not ever given up on that... even after everything.
[And perhaps it is a bit presumptuous of her to say so, but it's the truth.]
[His heart wavers and his breath catches in his throat as he listens to her, and unable to just stay back the way he is, he sits up so he can better reach her.]
I never did. I couldn't.
[Maybe he had given up on mending their relationship, but on wanting to save her—that never changed. Whether they were together or not, as long as she could live in that world, that was enough.
That was how deeply she had ingrained herself into him. How deeply she moved him and made him want to do something more. The small pebble that rolled down the hill and knocked everything else into place.]
[She feels so very seen and vulnerable right now, so when he rises up to be closer, while she does not withdraw from him, she does tense a little, her cheeks suddenly flushing with colour.]
Every day, they remind me of that.
[She distracts herself from his deep, drowning gaze by kissing reverently along the scar again, her voice as soft as the sigh that leaves her.]
You see them as a failure, but I see them as a promise kept, Cidolfus.
[She rushes at him then, not wanting to hear the words that come next. Her aches be damned, she kisses him fiercely then, swallowing those doubts of his. She knows that it will be hard for him to accept that he had not failed anyone, and it will be a long road before either of them can completely recover from these deep wounds, but...]
We are here now, together, are we not?
[She can at least try to help him with this particular one.]
[He should have expected it, really, and there's just a muffled sound of protest as he leans back slightly due to the force. And when he gazes at her then, she'll see that heavy weight of emotion in his eyes, that rare vulnerability as those doubts and guilt continue to swirl within.
He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
[It's a rare thing, this vulnerability that she sees, but she reaches for it. Clings to it in the moments that he shows it because it means that he trusts her enough to show it. Because it means that she can find those deeper parts of him at all when he so often closes them off and hides them. She waits for him to speak, her gaze meeting his even if it might mean that she will drown in those same feelings... the same guilt and doubts that she harbours reflected in his own.
Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
[He feels like a fool for making her worry for him this way, to have her work so hard to try and support him as she is. It's like imagining a little bird trying to lift a heavy weight, delicate wings flapping with all her might. How fearful herself is feeling, yet pushing so hard for his sake. Their sake.
His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
[She feels an ache all throughout her, but the ones in her muscles and her tired bones is nothing compared to the ache in her heart as his lips take hers. She can feel it all bleeding through his lips and into her, taking that comfort and the warmth that she tries so hard to give. She finds some of it for herself too, taking solace in knowing that they share so many of the same feelings. They might not exactly be good, but there is something about having someone to share that burden with... Something that she never had before, and something that she could not be for someone else.
All she wanted... all she has ever wanted...
To be loved so much that her mere presence is enough...
It's still such a new feeling for her, but one that she embraces and holds onto like it is her lifeline. He is her lifeline.
She kisses him again, softer this time, but it bears all of the same passion and love and weight as the others.]
[He breaths against her like a sigh as he savors the warmth and her taste, her presence before his head falls so that it rests against the crook of her neck.]
You've had it far worse than I... And just like you said, you can share it all with me.
[Is what he ends up saying, but a part of him may be a little afraid that this is all too much for her and she'll want to run away instead. Or she becomes more stressed and he harms her that way.]
[And this must be what it feels like when she tries to deflect and steer the conversation away from her own feelings when they are the focus... She is all too familiar with this tactic, and she is of the same mind—she does not wish to dwell on her own right now. It is her own feelings that she wants to run from, not his.
She won't let him run from his so easily. Not tonight.]
It is not too much. Yours... It is my own that can be. But I want to share in yours.
[A low sigh as he does recognize he's acting just like she does...and in some ways it also turns that sigh into a small laugh as he nuzzles against her neck.]
You've always been my greatest weakness, Benedikta.
[His arms tighten around her as his eyes close, inhaling her scent.]
But you've also become my greatest strength. Thank you.
[She nudges the side of his head with her nose and kisses him, and as the next words leave her, there is no holding back the slight tremble in her voice, no matter how quiet or soft it is.]
I owe you so much, Cidolfus. You think you have failed the world, or me, yet... you continue to try so very hard here.
[Her arms tighten around him.]
I want you to rest sometimes. To lean on me as I have been afforded from you.
[Feeling her gaze, he'll lift his own face to meet hers. Although those deeper emotions remain, there is a lightness that's returned so that the small smile he wears is not an empty one.]
[She is hesitant to answer, even if they both know and felt where they had been only a year ago. It's not as if it's anything new, but it's still difficult for her to bring up with him especially. Difficult to even look back on it and not be upset about how long it took for them to finally reach for one another. For her to finally reach out to him...]
I was afraid, Cidolfus.
[Her voice finally comes to her again, and her arms hold him tighter, like she's afraid that if she doesn't, he will turn and leave her for saying it.]
I didn't know... didn't trust that you would catch me if I fell so hard.
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no subject
Is this overwhelming you?
[There is a smile behind the tender glint in her eyes. Yes, this is very much what it feels like when he showers her with love and reassurances. She never quite knows what to do with herself when it does become overwhelming, and when she is the one being crushed under that weight.
But she will say... It does feel nice to be on the other side of that.]
Cidolfus, all I want... is for you to know that these scars...those memories...
[She pauses and searches for his hand, lacing her fingers with his.]
They do not mean failure on your part.
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Then what do they mean?
[He's not really seeking an answer...he thinks he knows. But he wants to hear what she thinks since he does sometimes see them as reminders of what he couldn't do or stopping short of his goals.]
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They mean that you tried, and you fought, and still... you are alive to tell the tales of them.
[And while that may not mean much given their ends in Valisthea, she thinks now—because of him—that it should mean something here.
She pauses, trying to choose her next thought carefully.]
I do not know if I have ever said to you what it means that you kept your promise...
no subject
Reminders that he tried, fought, and still alive.
True it may not mean much back in their world, but here...
A reminder of that second chance.
When he looks at her, that kind of thinking is easier to believe, and really, a part of him wants to believe in it. While it's a blessing that he doesn't dwell on those failures, those still exist in those dark recesses of the mind, ready to crop up should he become vulnerable again. If he could believe in her words, then it would be far easier to fight back against those thoughts, to not let himself be so vulnerable.
A vulnerability that will be pricked again when she mentions the promise.]
...What did it mean?
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Everything.
[The word tumbles out of her first, like a breath of relief.
It meant everything to her knowing that he'd kept that promise, or that he'd even remembered it from all those years ago. Even if it had torn them apart at one point, she has been trying not to look at it that way.]
These are proof that you had not ever given up on that... even after everything.
[And perhaps it is a bit presumptuous of her to say so, but it's the truth.]
You did not give up on me...
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I never did. I couldn't.
[Maybe he had given up on mending their relationship, but on wanting to save her—that never changed. Whether they were together or not, as long as she could live in that world, that was enough.
That was how deeply she had ingrained herself into him. How deeply she moved him and made him want to do something more. The small pebble that rolled down the hill and knocked everything else into place.]
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Every day, they remind me of that.
[She distracts herself from his deep, drowning gaze by kissing reverently along the scar again, her voice as soft as the sigh that leaves her.]
You see them as a failure, but I see them as a promise kept, Cidolfus.
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But I didn't—
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We are here now, together, are we not?
[She can at least try to help him with this particular one.]
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He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
I know you're right... You are, just...
[It's hard.]
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Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
... What can I do, Cidolfus?
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His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
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All she wanted... all she has ever wanted...
To be loved so much that her mere presence is enough...
It's still such a new feeling for her, but one that she embraces and holds onto like it is her lifeline. He is her lifeline.
She kisses him again, softer this time, but it bears all of the same passion and love and weight as the others.]
... Is it enough?
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[He breaths against her like a sigh as he savors the warmth and her taste, her presence before his head falls so that it rests against the crook of her neck.]
...Is it too much?
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Too much?
[Her head lifts to peer down at him.]
For me?
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You've had it far worse than I... And just like you said, you can share it all with me.
[Is what he ends up saying, but a part of him may be a little afraid that this is all too much for her and she'll want to run away instead. Or she becomes more stressed and he harms her that way.]
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She won't let him run from his so easily. Not tonight.]
It is not too much. Yours... It is my own that can be. But I want to share in yours.
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You've always been my greatest weakness, Benedikta.
[His arms tighten around her as his eyes close, inhaling her scent.]
But you've also become my greatest strength. Thank you.
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[She nudges the side of his head with her nose and kisses him, and as the next words leave her, there is no holding back the slight tremble in her voice, no matter how quiet or soft it is.]
I owe you so much, Cidolfus. You think you have failed the world, or me, yet... you continue to try so very hard here.
[Her arms tighten around him.]
I want you to rest sometimes. To lean on me as I have been afforded from you.
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[A more self-deprecating laugh at that.]
But it is getting a little easier.
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... To lean on me?
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[Feeling her gaze, he'll lift his own face to meet hers. Although those deeper emotions remain, there is a lightness that's returned so that the small smile he wears is not an empty one.]
I imagine it's similar to how it was for you.
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[There's a nervousness to her voice, the slightest tremble that she tries to mask as her own insecurities come rearing their head again.]
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[His lips brush against her cheek as he moves closer to her.]
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I was afraid, Cidolfus.
[Her voice finally comes to her again, and her arms hold him tighter, like she's afraid that if she doesn't, he will turn and leave her for saying it.]
I didn't know... didn't trust that you would catch me if I fell so hard.
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💚💜 fin.