Who: Cidolfus Telamon & Benedikta Harman. Status: Closed. Where: The Roost, The Farplane. What: Cid and Benedikta move to a new house in the Roost. Event stuff later. Warnings: The usual. :)
[He had heard similar words before, and there's a quiet hum as her kiss lingers on his lips. Really, to have her so worried and trying so hard to comfort him...]
You just think too highly of me.
[Half teasing, half sincere as he lets her lead him back to the bed before flopping down onto it. While he would acknowledge he has his accomplishments and can do great things, it never goes beyond that. But he's also well aware how high people tend to place him on that metaphorical pedestal, a place that always seemed too high. Fortunately, he doesn't really try to live up to those lofty expectations...at least not too much. Never hurts to have some high goals if they are possible.]
[She does not climb on top of him like he may be expecting but instead, she lies down next to him, curling up against his side. Though her head does not come to rest on his chest where it usually does. Instead, she gazes down at him, nothing but fondness brimming in her eyes, touched with a bit of sadness.]
Or perhaps I am merely in love.
[They could go hand in hand.
Her fingers trace a line down from his collarbone, her eyes trailing after.]
Even still... you may have many now, but I like them. Your scars...
[He did wonder what she had in mind given the usual flow of things, but he doesn't mind this. If anything he prefers the calmer moment right now, still tired both physically and emotionally. But he can't help but smile, warmth flowing through at her words of love.]
[He knows which scars she speaks of there as she's well acquainted with the ones she can already see. So he just watches her for a moment, her lips both warm with their comfort yet also stirring various things, both provocative and contemplative.]
[He was right to think so, and it is only an excuse, but she does nip at the skin just beneath his collarbone in warning.]
They are as much a part of you as anything else... and I rarely have the chance to see or appreciate them.
[She reaches the large one at his stomach, where Ultima had pierced him in the Mothercrystal's chamber. Where she had to watch him... It sits next to the one that Garuda had given him. Here, she hesitates.]
[Her fingers nearly retract away when he does, her whole hand tensing under his guidance. It's not as if this is the first time that she's seen it, and she has faced it once before when it had barely healed over, but today had been such a painful reminder of that day that, for a moment, she sees it as she had on the beach after they had landed. And then the weeks later when she'd helped clean and wrap it again.
Her eyes move up to meet his briefly before they look over those two scars, and finally, her fingers move over them.]
[It's more a tease than an actual question or worry, as she leans in to kiss him, her lips tracing along the edges of the one from Ultima, carefully and consciously avoiding Garuda's for now. That wound is still too fresh in her mind, the memories brought back only just today of what transpired.
Her eyes soften as she looks up at him from where she lays her head, her breath ghosting over his skin.]
... You know that I won't, yes? That you could bear a thousand of them, and I would love each and every one.
[That he could carry those weights, those burdens, the guilt and the regrets for years to come, and she would be there to bear them with him. But maybe a small part of her needs to know that he remembers that.]
[Were this any other time this would be far more provocative.... And although the feel of her lips on those scars do send a tingle of warmth through him, it's softer rather than heated. He can only tilt his head so that he can look down at her, every gesture and word so sweet that now he knows how she feels when he smothers her with his love and kindness. How crushing it feels...but it's not a bad weight, either. If anything he finds himself wishing to bury himself further in the warmth she wishes to provide.]
...I know.
[Perhaps not so long ago he may have still wondered, but not now. Not anymore. Yet somehow that also makes it more difficult. At least before he had an excuse, now... Now he has nothing to fall behind.
So he lets out a small huff of amusement.]
And now I think I know how you feel whenever I overwhelm you.
[Another soft press of her lips to his skin, this time tracing over the center of it.]
Is this overwhelming you?
[There is a smile behind the tender glint in her eyes. Yes, this is very much what it feels like when he showers her with love and reassurances. She never quite knows what to do with herself when it does become overwhelming, and when she is the one being crushed under that weight.
But she will say... It does feel nice to be on the other side of that.]
Cidolfus, all I want... is for you to know that these scars...those memories...
[She pauses and searches for his hand, lacing her fingers with his.]
[His once relaxing body stiffens at that, and it takes a moment before he releases a breath.]
Then what do they mean?
[He's not really seeking an answer...he thinks he knows. But he wants to hear what she thinks since he does sometimes see them as reminders of what he couldn't do or stopping short of his goals.]
[She had a feeling that he would ask, and so she meets his eyes evenly, a flame lighting hers. Still, she continues to worship them with her lips and her fingers, and still, he continues to doubt himself. There is not a doubt of her own that this will continue to plague him in the months, years, eternities to come, and perhaps there is not much she can do about that, but that does not mean she will simply give up.]
They mean that you tried, and you fought, and still... you are alive to tell the tales of them.
[And while that may not mean much given their ends in Valisthea, she thinks nowβbecause of himβthat it should mean something here.
She pauses, trying to choose her next thought carefully.]
I do not know if I have ever said to you what it means that you kept your promise...
[Her words do resonate with him, even if it make take some time for him to fully commit to it. At the very least, he can believe in it a bit more, especially since he's certain he's told others or heard similar elsewhere.
Reminders that he tried, fought, and still alive.
True it may not mean much back in their world, but here...
A reminder of that second chance.
When he looks at her, that kind of thinking is easier to believe, and really, a part of him wants to believe in it. While it's a blessing that he doesn't dwell on those failures, those still exist in those dark recesses of the mind, ready to crop up should he become vulnerable again. If he could believe in her words, then it would be far easier to fight back against those thoughts, to not let himself be so vulnerable.
A vulnerability that will be pricked again when she mentions the promise.]
[She recalls on his words earlier, about how he felt he'd lost a big part of the reason he'd done everything after she'd died. Sadness creeps into her expression, and she runs her finger idly along both of the scars now, watching as it glides over the raised lines on his skin while she thinks. The silence is anything but heavy on her part, but she still breaks it with a soft sigh.]
Everything.
[The word tumbles out of her first, like a breath of relief.
It meant everything to her knowing that he'd kept that promise, or that he'd even remembered it from all those years ago. Even if it had torn them apart at one point, she has been trying not to look at it that way.]
These are proof that you had not ever given up on that... even after everything.
[And perhaps it is a bit presumptuous of her to say so, but it's the truth.]
[His heart wavers and his breath catches in his throat as he listens to her, and unable to just stay back the way he is, he sits up so he can better reach her.]
I never did. I couldn't.
[Maybe he had given up on mending their relationship, but on wanting to save her—that never changed. Whether they were together or not, as long as she could live in that world, that was enough.
That was how deeply she had ingrained herself into him. How deeply she moved him and made him want to do something more. The small pebble that rolled down the hill and knocked everything else into place.]
[She feels so very seen and vulnerable right now, so when he rises up to be closer, while she does not withdraw from him, she does tense a little, her cheeks suddenly flushing with colour.]
Every day, they remind me of that.
[She distracts herself from his deep, drowning gaze by kissing reverently along the scar again, her voice as soft as the sigh that leaves her.]
You see them as a failure, but I see them as a promise kept, Cidolfus.
[She rushes at him then, not wanting to hear the words that come next. Her aches be damned, she kisses him fiercely then, swallowing those doubts of his. She knows that it will be hard for him to accept that he had not failed anyone, and it will be a long road before either of them can completely recover from these deep wounds, but...]
We are here now, together, are we not?
[She can at least try to help him with this particular one.]
[He should have expected it, really, and there's just a muffled sound of protest as he leans back slightly due to the force. And when he gazes at her then, she'll see that heavy weight of emotion in his eyes, that rare vulnerability as those doubts and guilt continue to swirl within.
He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
[It's a rare thing, this vulnerability that she sees, but she reaches for it. Clings to it in the moments that he shows it because it means that he trusts her enough to show it. Because it means that she can find those deeper parts of him at all when he so often closes them off and hides them. She waits for him to speak, her gaze meeting his even if it might mean that she will drown in those same feelings... the same guilt and doubts that she harbours reflected in his own.
Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
[He feels like a fool for making her worry for him this way, to have her work so hard to try and support him as she is. It's like imagining a little bird trying to lift a heavy weight, delicate wings flapping with all her might. How fearful herself is feeling, yet pushing so hard for his sake. Their sake.
His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
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You just think too highly of me.
[Half teasing, half sincere as he lets her lead him back to the bed before flopping down onto it. While he would acknowledge he has his accomplishments and can do great things, it never goes beyond that. But he's also well aware how high people tend to place him on that metaphorical pedestal, a place that always seemed too high. Fortunately, he doesn't really try to live up to those lofty expectations...at least not too much. Never hurts to have some high goals if they are possible.]
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[She does not climb on top of him like he may be expecting but instead, she lies down next to him, curling up against his side. Though her head does not come to rest on his chest where it usually does. Instead, she gazes down at him, nothing but fondness brimming in her eyes, touched with a bit of sadness.]
Or perhaps I am merely in love.
[They could go hand in hand.
Her fingers trace a line down from his collarbone, her eyes trailing after.]
Even still... you may have many now, but I like them. Your scars...
[And she does not just mean the physical ones.]
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Do you now?
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I do.
[She brings her lips to it.]
I only wish that you would let me see them more often... That you do not try to hide them for my sake.
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Figured that out, eh?
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[She stretches over him like a cat, her lips brushing over that scar before it moves on to another, closer to his shoulder.]
How am I supposed to help heal them if you hide them all the time?
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You have your own worries...and mine aren't worth your trouble.
[He says, but he says it with resignation, knowing she'll protest. So it's not really any real protest or argument, just...an excuse he gives.]
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[He was right to think so, and it is only an excuse, but she does nip at the skin just beneath his collarbone in warning.]
They are as much a part of you as anything else... and I rarely have the chance to see or appreciate them.
[She reaches the large one at his stomach, where Ultima had pierced him in the Mothercrystal's chamber. Where she had to watch him... It sits next to the one that Garuda had given him. Here, she hesitates.]
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As he feels her hand and knowing where it is, his own will move to rest over hers, guiding her closer to it.]
And what will you do once you have?
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Her eyes move up to meet his briefly before they look over those two scars, and finally, her fingers move over them.]
Why? Are you afraid that I will run?
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[He had felt how her hand tensed, and he knows how difficult this is for the both of them.]
That it might be too much for you to handle.
[Or she might think lesser of him...though at least that doubt is not as prominent these days.]
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Have you so little faith in me?
[It's more a tease than an actual question or worry, as she leans in to kiss him, her lips tracing along the edges of the one from Ultima, carefully and consciously avoiding Garuda's for now. That wound is still too fresh in her mind, the memories brought back only just today of what transpired.
Her eyes soften as she looks up at him from where she lays her head, her breath ghosting over his skin.]
... You know that I won't, yes? That you could bear a thousand of them, and I would love each and every one.
[That he could carry those weights, those burdens, the guilt and the regrets for years to come, and she would be there to bear them with him. But maybe a small part of her needs to know that he remembers that.]
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...I know.
[Perhaps not so long ago he may have still wondered, but not now. Not anymore. Yet somehow that also makes it more difficult. At least before he had an excuse, now... Now he has nothing to fall behind.
So he lets out a small huff of amusement.]
And now I think I know how you feel whenever I overwhelm you.
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Is this overwhelming you?
[There is a smile behind the tender glint in her eyes. Yes, this is very much what it feels like when he showers her with love and reassurances. She never quite knows what to do with herself when it does become overwhelming, and when she is the one being crushed under that weight.
But she will say... It does feel nice to be on the other side of that.]
Cidolfus, all I want... is for you to know that these scars...those memories...
[She pauses and searches for his hand, lacing her fingers with his.]
They do not mean failure on your part.
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Then what do they mean?
[He's not really seeking an answer...he thinks he knows. But he wants to hear what she thinks since he does sometimes see them as reminders of what he couldn't do or stopping short of his goals.]
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They mean that you tried, and you fought, and still... you are alive to tell the tales of them.
[And while that may not mean much given their ends in Valisthea, she thinks nowβbecause of himβthat it should mean something here.
She pauses, trying to choose her next thought carefully.]
I do not know if I have ever said to you what it means that you kept your promise...
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Reminders that he tried, fought, and still alive.
True it may not mean much back in their world, but here...
A reminder of that second chance.
When he looks at her, that kind of thinking is easier to believe, and really, a part of him wants to believe in it. While it's a blessing that he doesn't dwell on those failures, those still exist in those dark recesses of the mind, ready to crop up should he become vulnerable again. If he could believe in her words, then it would be far easier to fight back against those thoughts, to not let himself be so vulnerable.
A vulnerability that will be pricked again when she mentions the promise.]
...What did it mean?
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Everything.
[The word tumbles out of her first, like a breath of relief.
It meant everything to her knowing that he'd kept that promise, or that he'd even remembered it from all those years ago. Even if it had torn them apart at one point, she has been trying not to look at it that way.]
These are proof that you had not ever given up on that... even after everything.
[And perhaps it is a bit presumptuous of her to say so, but it's the truth.]
You did not give up on me...
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I never did. I couldn't.
[Maybe he had given up on mending their relationship, but on wanting to save her—that never changed. Whether they were together or not, as long as she could live in that world, that was enough.
That was how deeply she had ingrained herself into him. How deeply she moved him and made him want to do something more. The small pebble that rolled down the hill and knocked everything else into place.]
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Every day, they remind me of that.
[She distracts herself from his deep, drowning gaze by kissing reverently along the scar again, her voice as soft as the sigh that leaves her.]
You see them as a failure, but I see them as a promise kept, Cidolfus.
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But I didn't—
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We are here now, together, are we not?
[She can at least try to help him with this particular one.]
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He knows what she's saying, and he's told her so so many times himself. And he believes it, he does. He himself latched onto this second chance of theirs so that he really could make right on that promise, to finish what he couldn't, but...
That's just it, isn't it? The guilt of not being able to do so the first time when it mattered.
And he knows that he shouldn't dwell on it, that he's giving it his all, perhaps even more than he did before. That this chance, this second life is all the more important because of what they couldn't do before. He knows, but it's because of that damned Ultima that it's all gotten back in his head and it's impossible for him to not feel all this right now. Which only adds to the frustration, knowing that he's let the fiend get into his head as much as it has.]
Benedikta... I...
[So at first he's at a loss for words, his eyes searching hers as if to find reassurance that she means what she says.]
I know you're right... You are, just...
[It's hard.]
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Yet she fights them anyway, keeps her head above water if only so that she can pull him up. After all the times that he has done so for her, she owes it to him to return it.
Her heart twists around itself at his response. That small part of her had been a fool to think it would be so simple, but they have come so far that she is not going to turn around and run from it.]
I know.
[It is hard. Letting go of those doubts and those fears, especially when they have recently resurfaced for both of them, is one of the most difficult things they have ever had to do. She hopes but does not expect for them to disappear so quickly or so easily.]
... What can I do, Cidolfus?
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His lips will crash into hers then, arms wrapping around her tight as if clutching a lifeline, because that's exactly what she is right now. He knows he'll get over this soon enough, but right now he's still floundering and she's exactly what he needs to help get him out of it. The only one who can in this moment.
The one he needs.]
Just stay with me.
[His voice is rough against her lips, the want and desire he has not a physical one, but an emotional one. He just needs her presence, her warmth.]
It'll all pass soon enough, I just—
[Her love.]
I just need you here, with me.
[Be that reminder that she keeps telling him, be that proof that despite everything, it really wasn't all for naught. That he was able to overcome the challenges and will be able to keep moving.]
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ππ fin.