escordvi | closed 🪶⚡ i'll be the light to lead you home

[He does his best to push aside his own unsettled and regretful feelings to focus more on her, his hand gently running down the length of her back.

And he will smile a little.]

Perhaps you could have helped me the first time I tried. But even if you were there at the time, I don't know if it would have ended differently.

I think that is what he was trying to say to me. That... even if I had, fate would have caught up to you anyway. That I would not have been able to do anything to save you, or Garuda might have done it herself?

[She shakes her head.]

I don't know.

[A low sigh.]

It was the same message to me. That even here... Our fate would be the same. That everything I've done and everything I will do will amount to nothing.

[A low, self-deprecating huff of laughter at that.]

Cidolfus...

[She eyes him carefully and closely again, her voice soft that it's almost a whisper.]

What did he show you?

[He looks at her for a moment, looks away, and then sighs.]

...It started with you, when you first fell unconscious. Changed your appearance to when...

[He falters because no matter how many times they've had to confront this, it's always difficult to speak of it aloud to her, knowing how it would affect her. But he knows he can't avoid this any longer, and she's already told him about her visions, trying to encourage him to do the same.

So his hand slips down to find hers, holding it.]

...When you had died. Everything then changed to that hellish landscape and then it wasn't just you. It was everyone.

[His voice grows quieter, slower. Heavier.]

Everyone who had died under my watch, from my old soldiers, to the Hideaway, to even Mid and Clive and the others...and ones that I had slain by my own hand.

Just...death with no hope, purpose, or anything to show for it. That was it.

[She doesn't even know what to expect besides "death", but she still is not prepared for it. For Ultima to show her in his arms like that, and then all the others... If that god were still here, it might have been her turn to find him and claw him apart all over again, but his hand around hers stays that anger. Turns it into guilt.

She is silent for a while as she just holds onto him, her lips pressing gently to his collarbone as she listens to the sound of the water, and to the groaning of the ship around them. She tries to imagine it too—everything that he saw—so that she can better understand, but even that can be a bit much, even for her.]

Cidolfus, I...

[What does she even say? She had said she did not want his apologies or pity, nor does she want to give it to him along with platitudes. She wants to give him all of her anger, all of her hate for that god, but all she is able to offer is the press of her lips against his skin.]

You do not believe in any of that, do you?

[The silence stretches even longer, a silence that likely already gives her the answer.]

...I don't know.

[The resignation is clear in his face as his head hangs low.]

It would be a lie to say that some part of me doesn't believe it to some degree. Even if I know that things continued on, I have to wonder and look back on what I managed to do and accomplish in my lifetime.

[Her lips move from one shoulder across to the other, tiny kisses peppering his skin while she listens, all of them meant to only be a comfort rather than to stoke anything.]

Do you think that you have not?

[Another question she thinks she already knows the answer to.]

Was it not you who started all of it?

[It does help some, but...there's another huff.]

Started. But did I ever finish anything? All I did was just hand off my troubles to someone else.

[She doesn't know what to say to comfort him... Or maybe she doesn't need to say anything at all because she does understand.

Both of their lives had been cut too short, ended before they could make a difference or change things. Her own had ended before she had the chance to make it right, her final moments filled with nothing but regret, and a wish that had turned bitter and sour on her tongue. His own ending before he had the opportunity to see any real change that he had tried to bring about in the world, even if he knew later that they had gone through with it.]

I often feel the same.

[That is as much as she can offer right now, because any platitudes she could give would just feel empty.]

There was so much more to do... to see...

[His gaze is filled with that same regret and sorrow before his arms tighten around her.]

When you died... It really did feel as if I lost my main cause. Of course I still wanted a better world for everyone, not just for us, so I wouldn't have given up completely, but... You were my original inspiration. I may not have lost all meaning, but I did lose a significant part. So it really did feel as if I failed you.

And those deaths...all the lives sacrificed for a cause they would not see. To those who chose to follow only because of me. I know we've been through this, but that is a weight I'll always carry.

While we're not doing anything so grand here, that's not a history I wish to repeat.

[Those words pull at her heart. She knew that he had not forgotten that promise but hearing him remind her of that makes her heart fill with a whole conflict of emotions that she cannot put a name to for there are far too many. Too many that she feels the heat of tears prick at the corners of her eyes, blurring her vision, and she bites them back, lowering her head to rest against his, so close now that they share the same breath.]

We have...

[Been through this. Many a time... but these days, she will never tire of holding him while they did.]

It is a weight that I can help you carry, Cidolfus, if you will let me. You may not ever be rid of it, but you do not have to do so alone anymore...

[He may already know it, but it bears repeating.]

I know.

[A heavy sigh as he rests his head against hers, noses just brushing as he tries to give her a small smile. He really doesn't like seeing her just as hurt because of him, which is why he doesn't so readily want to share those burdens. She already has enough of her own.

But he knows now, and has come to better understand and accept that this is what she wants to do, and that it would be a greater disservice to not let her. It will be tough for him for a while, breaking out of that habit of carrying everything. But he's getting there, slowly.

And thus he will slowly ask, with a slight uncertain tremble in his voice, a question that has been plaguing him every since Ultima dug into those old insecurities.]

...Do you believe in me still? That we can make a future here.

Me?

[She is a bit surprised by his question, enough that she pulls back from him far enough to look at him, and far enough that he'll see the beginnings of those tears. She falters, one stumbling over her cheek, that she quickly wipes away.

Silence echoes through the room for a while, though it is not the kind that answers his question. It's more that she tries to find the right words to say at a time when they do not come so easily to her. If she was sure that a kiss would be enough to chase away those insecurities, she would simply go through with that, but right now, always, he deserves more. He deserves to hear it.]

In the beginning, you know that I have had my doubts. I was not sure if we could move on from everything, or that I could ever fully forgive you for it all... but that was a long time ago.

[Those days feel like an eternity ago now. A single speck of sand in a sea of good, happier memories.]

But now? [Her hand moves to caress his cheek.] I am sure that there is no one else I would rather see a future with.

[Those words do not come easily when the feelings behind them seem to overwhelm her, but she pushes through with a trembling breath.]

Hells, Cidolfus, we vanquished the god who would see us ruined today. I am certain that this we would not fail at. And even if we did stumble, I've faith that you would be able to pick us both back up and continue on until we managed.

[She leans in now and presses her lips to his gently.]

I think you have done a fine job so far.

[That silence gnaws at his nerves, those doubts starting to dig in and deepening even though he knows it shouldn't. Knows she wouldn't still be here or trying so hard if she didn't believe in him in some way. But then again, he had once thought the same before...

So there is some—no, a lot of relief when she finally speaks, even if at first the works prick him like thorns. But as she continues, his own emotions start to sway and rumble like a ship in a storm, trying to stay collected while wanting to be at the mercy of those waves.

Instead he has the mercy of her words and then her lips, a kiss so sweet and gentle that carries with it a strong wind that blows everything else away. A wind that helps soothe those scars that had been left bare.]

Do you really think that?

[His voice is quiet against her lips, wanting to hear that reassurance one more time.]

[And no matter how many times he needs or wants that reassurance, she will give it to him.

Her gaze dips away from his, her head tilting so that she can follow the trail of her fingers down, over his throat, his shoulder, his chest, all the way until she reaches that scar again.

This one is not just a scar marking the flesh, but it is one that she knows leaves one that is far beneath the surface. An untouchable one that he has borne for all these months without a soul to help soothe the ache. It has always felt like a place she could not reach, but tonight, she feels like she can.]

If I did not truly and unconditionally believe it, I would not still be here.

[And in case that is not enough:]

I believe it. Truly and unconditionally.

[Her other hand finds his and she tangles their fingers together before she tugs, gently, a silent signal for him to follow her out of the bath.]

Come...

[His expression flickers a little questioningly at the signal. He still feels he hasn't done enough for her as he had said he would, but in reality they had been in the tub for quite some time. He can't really protest against her, either, because at least in this moment he wants to let her lead him in that way she has more recently. In the few but important times when she had to play his role instead.

So he'll follow her, helping to grab some towels to dry them off at least.]

[He has done enough—more than enough for her today, and every day, to more than make up for it. And she would not have heard otherwise as she guides him out of the bath, the water and soap falling and splashing around them. She helps him dry, rubbing the towel gently over his head and dabbing his skin, allowing him to do the same for her.

It's not until a couple minutes later, when she's nearly finished that she speaks, her voice soft against his lips as she presses another kiss to them.]

... Do you believe me?

[He closes his eyes when she dries his hair, even lowering his head so that she has easier access while he gently dries her off in turn. By now he's neatly wrapped the towel around her in some courtesy and he looks up at her at her question.]

I do.

[And then a wane smile.]

Perhaps it's myself who I'm having difficulty believing in.

[Which he knows is stupid. He knows it's Ultima dragging out those old fears and doubts, turning a reasonable caution into something more. Though perhaps it's also the fact that such a doubt even existed that also bothers him.]

Edited 2024-11-21 23:15 (UTC)

[She tosses the towel aside, kissing him again.]

You are not supposed to be the one with so little faith in himself.

[That is to say that she knows what that feels like, and there's a small cant of her head, a sheepish smile flickering over her expression.]

I wish that you could see yourself the way that I see you.

[Taking his hands, she'll lead him out of the room and back towards their bed.]

Edited 2024-11-21 23:22 (UTC)

[He had heard similar words before, and there's a quiet hum as her kiss lingers on his lips. Really, to have her so worried and trying so hard to comfort him...]

You just think too highly of me.

[Half teasing, half sincere as he lets her lead him back to the bed before flopping down onto it. While he would acknowledge he has his accomplishments and can do great things, it never goes beyond that. But he's also well aware how high people tend to place him on that metaphorical pedestal, a place that always seemed too high. Fortunately, he doesn't really try to live up to those lofty expectations...at least not too much. Never hurts to have some high goals if they are possible.]

Perhaps.

[She does not climb on top of him like he may be expecting but instead, she lies down next to him, curling up against his side. Though her head does not come to rest on his chest where it usually does. Instead, she gazes down at him, nothing but fondness brimming in her eyes, touched with a bit of sadness.]

Or perhaps I am merely in love.

[They could go hand in hand.

Her fingers trace a line down from his collarbone, her eyes trailing after.]

Even still... you may have many now, but I like them. Your scars...

[And she does not just mean the physical ones.]

[He did wonder what she had in mind given the usual flow of things, but he doesn't mind this. If anything he prefers the calmer moment right now, still tired both physically and emotionally. But he can't help but smile, warmth flowing through at her words of love.]

Do you now?

[Her hand finds one of the newer scars on his arm.]

I do.

[She brings her lips to it.]

I only wish that you would let me see them more often... That you do not try to hide them for my sake.

[He knows which scars she speaks of there as she's well acquainted with the ones she can already see. So he just watches her for a moment, her lips both warm with their comfort yet also stirring various things, both provocative and contemplative.]

Figured that out, eh?

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