closed 🪶⚡ i'll be the light to lead you home

[garudas]

Who: Cidolfus Telamon & Benedikta Harman.
Status: Closed.
Where: The Roost, The Farplane.
What: Cid and Benedikta move to a new house in the Roost. Event stuff later.
Warnings: The usual. :)

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[garudas]

[She looks at him carefully then, her eyes searching his face for any answers he is not giving her, especially as she continues.]

During the fight? It was bothering you?

[ramuhs]

Not so much bother...

[He does hesitate a little before he finally lets out a breath.]

It was during his little mind games... "Reminding" me of my ending, so to speak.

[garudas]

[His hesitation says plenty before he even gives an answer, but Benedikta does perk up anyway when he does, a rush of anger burning through her chest.]

... I thought so.

[She calms herself by continuing to run her fingers along the scar, reminding herself that everything that they saw was not real. Just mind games.]

He showed you something, didn't he?

[ramuhs]

[He wants to tell her it's nothing she needs to fret over, but he knows she won't let him go so easily. So he just remains silent another moment before he sighs.]

He was trying to convince me that my efforts were futile, and of the sacrifices made for my efforts.

[He still can't quite bring himself to tell her exactly what he was shown, however.]

[garudas]

[She certainly would not let go that easily, and the way that she watches him in that silence says as much. But it is only because she is worried, and that she wants to listen. She wants to know, especially considering that he hadn't mentioned any of it earlier when she'd told him what she saw.]

You know that they were not, yes?

[It's less of a question, more of a gentle reminder, as she feels a pang of sadness that they both had not been there to see it. Especially knowing now why he had started it all to begin with...]

There was... something else that Ultima had shown me, too.

[ramuhs]

...I know.

[Though it would be hard to not feel that guilt still, guilt that he's at least told her once before.

But he looks at her then.]

...What did you see?

[garudas]

[She is still a little foggy on the details, but...]

When you had attacked the Mothercrystal, it was Drake's Head, was it not?

[ramuhs]

[There's only a small pause when she refers to it, and then another look when he quickly connects the dots.]

...It was.

[His expression hardens a bit.]

Did he show you?

[garudas]

He showed me... something.

[She thinks back to when Garuda and Ramuh had tumbled through the sky, and how she'd caught a glimpse of so many things in his life then. How different it felt watching it unfold now.]

He showed me you getting this scar. Not Ramuh, but you...

[Her fingers move along the edges of it now.]

And I had to watch, powerless to stop it.

[ramuhs]

[A harsh click of his tongue followed by a rough, low sigh.]

I'm sorry.

[Always...it was always using him.]

[garudas]

[Her free hand comes out of the water to reach for his chin, tipping his head so that he can look at her, and she him, and so that she can kiss him gently, stealing that sigh away.]

I do not wish for your apologies.

[Or pity, or whatever else is laced into those two words.

She takes a deep, quivering breath as her forehead rests against his.]

He'd transformed into Garuda then, too. It was her claws... always her...

[ramuhs]

[The guilt still lingers, no, it actually deepens when kisses him, knowing what she's trying to do. But he doesn't try to fight it or protest, instead closing his eyes in resignation. A weight that carries in his voice.]

Always me and Garuda.

[garudas]

[She wishes that he would not feel so guilty, or even responsible for it, but she also knows that is asking a lot. He is too good and he cares too much. It still will not stop her from trying.]

You and Garuda are both so... intrinsically tied to me now. There is no escaping that. But I suppose fate did have some of its blessings...

[An attempt at a light-hearted comment that falls flat, even with her.]

Perhaps a part of me did think that... had things gone differently, I could have been there...

[ramuhs]

[He does his best to push aside his own unsettled and regretful feelings to focus more on her, his hand gently running down the length of her back.

And he will smile a little.]

Perhaps you could have helped me the first time I tried. But even if you were there at the time, I don't know if it would have ended differently.

[garudas]

I think that is what he was trying to say to me. That... even if I had, fate would have caught up to you anyway. That I would not have been able to do anything to save you, or Garuda might have done it herself?

[She shakes her head.]

I don't know.

[ramuhs]

[A low sigh.]

It was the same message to me. That even here... Our fate would be the same. That everything I've done and everything I will do will amount to nothing.

[A low, self-deprecating huff of laughter at that.]

[garudas]

Cidolfus...

[She eyes him carefully and closely again, her voice soft that it's almost a whisper.]

What did he show you?

[ramuhs]

[He looks at her for a moment, looks away, and then sighs.]

...It started with you, when you first fell unconscious. Changed your appearance to when...

[He falters because no matter how many times they've had to confront this, it's always difficult to speak of it aloud to her, knowing how it would affect her. But he knows he can't avoid this any longer, and she's already told him about her visions, trying to encourage him to do the same.

So his hand slips down to find hers, holding it.]

...When you had died. Everything then changed to that hellish landscape and then it wasn't just you. It was everyone.

[His voice grows quieter, slower. Heavier.]

Everyone who had died under my watch, from my old soldiers, to the Hideaway, to even Mid and Clive and the others...and ones that I had slain by my own hand.

Just...death with no hope, purpose, or anything to show for it. That was it.

[garudas]

[She doesn't even know what to expect besides "death", but she still is not prepared for it. For Ultima to show her in his arms like that, and then all the others... If that god were still here, it might have been her turn to find him and claw him apart all over again, but his hand around hers stays that anger. Turns it into guilt.

She is silent for a while as she just holds onto him, her lips pressing gently to his collarbone as she listens to the sound of the water, and to the groaning of the ship around them. She tries to imagine it too—everything that he saw—so that she can better understand, but even that can be a bit much, even for her.]

Cidolfus, I...

[What does she even say? She had said she did not want his apologies or pity, nor does she want to give it to him along with platitudes. She wants to give him all of her anger, all of her hate for that god, but all she is able to offer is the press of her lips against his skin.]

You do not believe in any of that, do you?

[ramuhs]

[The silence stretches even longer, a silence that likely already gives her the answer.]

...I don't know.

[The resignation is clear in his face as his head hangs low.]

It would be a lie to say that some part of me doesn't believe it to some degree. Even if I know that things continued on, I have to wonder and look back on what I managed to do and accomplish in my lifetime.

[garudas]

[Her lips move from one shoulder across to the other, tiny kisses peppering his skin while she listens, all of them meant to only be a comfort rather than to stoke anything.]

Do you think that you have not?

[Another question she thinks she already knows the answer to.]

Was it not you who started all of it?

[ramuhs]

[It does help some, but...there's another huff.]

Started. But did I ever finish anything? All I did was just hand off my troubles to someone else.

[garudas]

[She doesn't know what to say to comfort him... Or maybe she doesn't need to say anything at all because she does understand.

Both of their lives had been cut too short, ended before they could make a difference or change things. Her own had ended before she had the chance to make it right, her final moments filled with nothing but regret, and a wish that had turned bitter and sour on her tongue. His own ending before he had the opportunity to see any real change that he had tried to bring about in the world, even if he knew later that they had gone through with it.]

I often feel the same.

[That is as much as she can offer right now, because any platitudes she could give would just feel empty.]

There was so much more to do... to see...

[ramuhs]

[His gaze is filled with that same regret and sorrow before his arms tighten around her.]

When you died... It really did feel as if I lost my main cause. Of course I still wanted a better world for everyone, not just for us, so I wouldn't have given up completely, but... You were my original inspiration. I may not have lost all meaning, but I did lose a significant part. So it really did feel as if I failed you.

And those deaths...all the lives sacrificed for a cause they would not see. To those who chose to follow only because of me. I know we've been through this, but that is a weight I'll always carry.

While we're not doing anything so grand here, that's not a history I wish to repeat.

[garudas]

[Those words pull at her heart. She knew that he had not forgotten that promise but hearing him remind her of that makes her heart fill with a whole conflict of emotions that she cannot put a name to for there are far too many. Too many that she feels the heat of tears prick at the corners of her eyes, blurring her vision, and she bites them back, lowering her head to rest against his, so close now that they share the same breath.]

We have...

[Been through this. Many a time... but these days, she will never tire of holding him while they did.]

It is a weight that I can help you carry, Cidolfus, if you will let me. You may not ever be rid of it, but you do not have to do so alone anymore...

[He may already know it, but it bears repeating.]